Thread: Destiny's Fool

Destiny’s Fool
Never meant to live in steel box houses
Asphalt scabs upon the land
Driving by in our steel toed horses
Faster then a dame coerces
The new man the great man the man not meant to be

In our race to touch the moon
We’ve forgotten how to see the stars
That live right in our midst
Breathing confined in light pollution
Noisy Grime and developed notions
Perhaps the kings of third world nations
have something correct, to stop the bleeding
and mend the calloused wounds
of destiny’s fool

Very Nice! I am quite impressed! I loved the internal tension you created with the flow of this poem, terse--almost like a Rap piece of music." In our race to touch the moon we've forgotten how to see the stars" --Love that line! Love the title also--very clever...Peace...Jul

Jul is right about "In our race to touch the moon we've forgotten how to see the stars", reminiscent of "All of us are living in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars".

The single comma after 'correct' seems very minimal punctuation, more would help the reader. Commas in the lists and an idea where the full stops should be.
I can not see a justification for the 'right' in 'right in our midst', it is one of those hackneyed phrases that adds little to the meaning if you consider what 'In our midst' means.

in our steel toed horses?
I think it should be ON our steel toed horses.

please add a couple of commas:
The new man, the great man, the man not meant to be.

Ty all most of my free verse I like to leave open to interpretation

I really enjoyed this