Thread: Smother

Hey guys, this is a poem I just wrote, hope you like it.

Smother

Mom was dead. Mom is dead. Mom was alive. Mom is not alive.
Mom wasn’t dead. Mom feels alive. Mom felt alive. Mom felt dead, sometimes.
Mom wants to be alive. Mom wanted to be dead, sometimes. Mom wanted to be alive, sometimes.

Mom would walk. Mom can’t walk. Mom would walk with me. Mom would walk and point out birds with me. Mom would walk and point out birds with me and tell me about birds that flew in the sky. Mom would walk and point out birds with me and tell me about God.

God, Mom said, was dead. God, Mom said, is dead. God, Mom said, was alive. God, Mom said, is not alive. God, Mom said, loved us, very much. God, Mom said, died because of us. God, Mom said, couldn’t feel our love anymore, so why send it to him?

Mom cannot feel my love anymore. Mom is dead. Mom is not alive. Mom felt alive. The hospital felt dead. God feels dead. God cannot feel love. Mom cannot feel love. I cannot send my love for them to them for them to feel.

Love was smothered. Love is smothered. Love was smothering. Love is smothering. Love is to smother. To love is to smother. To smother is to love. The smothered are loved.

Interesting and effective! Need to tidy up some of the joined up words. I know its deliberately structured and paradoxical, but feel like it would benefit from being tightened up? Did you experiment with format?

Having said all that - the essence of the characters - you, mom, God is clear and clinical. But are the smothered loved?

Wow.

Nice piece. To make it the best of its potential make use of your space bar and look over the writing and separate the words which are connected. Overall, good work!

Actually, the website doesn't like the format I write my work in and does that automatically, but yes, I will fix the spacing now. Thanks.

Originally Posted by JDegg

Actually, the website doesn't like the format I write my work in and does that automatically, but yes, I will fix the spacing now. Thanks.

If you click the "Go Advanced" button before you post, you'll be able to preview it and fix the layout if needed.

the second, third, and fourth stanzas look like paragraphs in prose. If you want to write a poem, you must write it in short lines.

The smothered are loved and so the poem is smothered with excessive phrases. Perfectly placed together in which i adore. Nice work!