Thread: Dreamdeath

How can you tell when a dream dies?

It does not end with a bang or a whimper.
Its death wail cannot be heard with human ears.
It is the sound of decay after expiration.
It is the stillness of a heart after its last, laboured beat.
　

It does not hide but cannot be seen.
It shrinks and shrivels to an infinitesimal point.
It is lost in a blizzard of the more relevant and important.
Its dim spark fades and fades and fades.
　

It has no texture, no form, no substance.
It slips through fingers on its way down.
It is neither hot nor cold, rough nor smooth.
It leaves no impression.
　

It is not the stench of failure, for there was no effort.
It is innocuous and inoffensive.
It is flushed by the wind, out a carelessly left open window.
It is the smell of stale, empty air.
　

It is not bitter, and certainly not sweet.
It is a taste that illicits no response.
It satisfies not, an indifferent palette refuses discernment.
It is chewed up and spat out.
　

It was many things that is now nothing.
And there is no sense in mourning.
　

The first line was delicious, had me hooked.
A different read, I liked the concept of a dream dying and how you compared such an abstract concept in so many ways.
Made me shudder. Thanks for sharing.

A fresh and creative piece. I like how you left no room for a dream to be real. Therefore, it is not possible for it to die.

I often offer small advice to help the writer improve the piece, if they wish, but this piece says what it must in a way that needs nothing more or nothing less.

But, by being a creature of habit, I would like to point out one thing that did not fill complete, or did not settle well, when reading. Fifth stanza, fourth line, "It is the smell of stale, empty air." empty air doesn't read well, for me. I think simply using air, without the adjective "empty", adds to the integrity of what your implying about dreams. To say "empty air", you're telling the reader something that they can see if allowed the opportunity.

Other than the above, it is a nice read. Thank you!

I like the idea, I'd like some effort to change up the structure rather than just it every line, cos its every line is numbing/disengaging and I think this idea is offering much more than that.

This was different from what I expected. I like the idea and how you executed it.

Thanks Winston, really enjoyed your subject and approach ...C'est la vie

I must say I enjoyed this piece immensely. It is indeed very well written, and interesting from start to finish. I would also look at it from the opposite standpoint "What happens if dreams are alive and they die?" Alive not in the literal sense, but still alive in the mind. As long as they are alive in the mind they are still living in a spiritual sense. When you die, so do your dreams, so I guess from my perspective dreams can be considered alive. Fascinating subject. Anyhow I really appreciate this poem.

Originally Posted by jonius

...As long as they are alive in the mind they are still living in a spiritual sense...

Thank you. I am trying very hard to see things from that perspective. Not succeeding at this point. Your reminder does help, though.

I love the poem. Really does evoke Dreamdeath. My favorite lines are:

It is the sound of decay after expiration... (I like the 'smells' in the poem, the sound of decay, the stale, empty air)

It does not hide but cannot be seen... (isn't this the greatest tragedy of all?)

It is lost in a blizzard of the more relevant and important... (Might be slightly stronger leaving out "more relevant and')

It is innocuous and inoffensive... (it is both innocuous and inoffensive and "smelly." I think you captured two emotions,
but I suspect they are the conflicting views of both the dreamer and observers.)

It is a taste that illicits no response... (again, here is emptiness. In this respect, I think you move beyond even Eliot in describing an ending world)

And there is no sense in mourning... (might experiment leaving out "sense in")

Hope to see a lot more coming up.

I like the poem but think it would read better if you cut out some of the 'it's' that are at the beginning of each line. I agree with dannyboy that they disengage the reader and are a bit numbing.

Beautiful work, i agree with Gumpy. Try to find other words besides it, words that intrigue the reader and their imagination. Doing this will help the reader think beyond the words.

Very intriguing! Well thought out.Quite different than what I expected it to be. Well done... Peace...Jul

it's very poetic. I like it.