Thread: cinder and prince

a dream and such
a fairy world,
was out a cinder under the moon
the fairy lacy came out all handy,
the wonder citrouille blew out a classic
ella the cindy knew what to fancy,
the pretty cinder had it all shiny
the party started and random shadies,
in robes and kufts came out in sparkies
the nightly princess met up her sire
but midnight fired and ella turned off,
the gentle sire was left in dire
only a shoe a handosme layet
was left undone and all entire!!
endeared and flustered
the princely tour, gentry and more
looked out for her, the pretty cinder
with much ado,
chival's and time
both prince and cinder
had it all fined!!
gloriously joyous,
for princely sire met up desire
and pretty cinder became a lady.

I can tell this is about the cinder girl (cinder-ella) -- but I can't tell that it adds anything new to the fairy tale other than muddling some of the words. I like the plainness of its tone, except that it doesn't make much sense. And what sense it does make is just re-hashing an over-told simple story of vanity.

More than half of your lines are more than half nonsense. For example, what I've quoted below.

Dire is an adjective. You can't be left in it. How was the shoe left undone? Do you mean unlaced? How was the shoe "all entire?" That's not an acceptable phrase in english. And then layet isn't even a word in english.

What do you expect me to do with this? I would give you advice to help you make it more understandable, but you've shown little desire to follow such advice. Are you simply posting this for our benefit? Because, even if you've claimed you are not struggling with English in other threads, I'm certainly struggling to figure out what you're presenting us with. I'd like to be helpful, though.

the gentle sire was left in dire
only a shoe a handosme layet
was left undone and all entire!!

reminded me of a kansas song nice write

Originally Posted by j.w.olson

I can tell this is about the cinder girl (cinder-ella) -- but I can't tell that it adds anything new to the fairy tale other than muddling some of the words. I like the plainness of its tone, except that it doesn't make much sense. And what sense it does make is just re-hashing an over-told simple story of vanity.

More than half of your lines are more than half nonsense. For example, what I've quoted below.

Dire is an adjective. You can't be left in it. How was the shoe left undone? Do you mean unlaced? How was the shoe "all entire?" That's not an acceptable phrase in english. And then layet isn't even a word in english.

What do you expect me to do with this? I would give you advice to help you make it more understandable, but you've shown little desire to follow such advice. Are you simply posting this for our benefit? Because, even if you've claimed you are not struggling with English in other threads, I'm certainly struggling to figure out what you're presenting us with. I'd like to be helpful, though.

the gentle sire was left in dire
only a shoe a handosme layet
was left undone and all entire!!

j.w.olson thank you for reading my poem.
it is just a trial piece...just tosee if I could turn a story into a poem.
dire is an adjective and you can use like I have used it.
you can say that something is dire, or somone's left feeling dire.
what makes you think you cannot use it that way?
undone is just an expression, a word..
I don't expect you to do anything with this poem..it was there to be read.

Originally Posted by shedpog329

reminded me of a kansas song nice write

hey thanks shedpog...glad you enjoyed it
may I ask the title of the song?

dire is an adjective and you can use like I have used it.
you can say that something is dire, or somone's left feeling dire.

A problem can be dire. A situation can be dire. Dire implies some amount of urgency surrounding a situation. A person is not a situation -- people are not dire.

But even if you could say that a person is dire or is feeling dire (as you say) -- you still cannot saying that a person is IN dire. That would be like saying "that race car is in fast right now." It is not a grammatically correct usage, especially with that preposition. This is not a matter of personal opinion, it's the general collective opinion of english speakers.

I don't mean to make a big deal out of this one phrase -- it's simply representative of what generally inhibits my reading of your work.

Originally Posted by j.w.olson

A problem can be dire. A situation can be dire. Dire implies some amount of urgency surrounding a situation. A person is not a situation -- people are not dire.

But even if you could say that a person is dire or is feeling dire (as you say) -- you still cannot saying that a person is IN dire. That would be like saying "that race car is in fast right now." It is not a grammatically correct usage, especially with that preposition. This is not a matter of personal opinion, it's the general collective opinion of english speakers.

I don't mean to make a big deal out of this one phrase -- it's simply representative of what generally inhibits my reading of your work.

thank you for the explanation olson.
I do appreciate your time in explaining to me the intricasy of my non nativeness or the difficulty of it.
I tend to write and deliberately kind of 'upset the balance' in terms of word usage and grammar, because it feels better that way for me.
I was also hoping that in poetry you should be able to let go of rules and regulations in order to write more and give poetry a different style , dimension, to loosen the imagination a bit if you like.

Of course -- you're certainly welcome to do whatever you wish in poetry (and life). I was just letting you know that there are consequences to such things -- one of them being that many people will stop understanding (and thus reading) your words. If this is your wish, or if you think people will understand and love such phrases, that's fine. I'll let you be.

Originally Posted by j.w.olson

Of course -- you're certainly welcome to do whatever you wish in poetry (and life). I was just letting you know that there are consequences to such things -- one of them being that many people will stop understanding (and thus reading) your words. If this is your wish, or if you think people will understand and love such phrases, that's fine. I'll let you be.

hehe....thank you for letting me know..I will bear that in mind.
I appreciate feedbacks because without it no progress is made.
so I hope you do not get too put off by the way I write and I would most definetely appreciate more feedbacks if and when you can.

dust in the wind of course