Thread: Talking to Myself

Why?

what is going on...

Do you talk to me?

I need help...

What is the purpose?

now...

What do you get out of it?

this very moment...

Nothing, right?

or I'll explode...

Thats right, nothing. You get nothing.

I'll die...

Nothing at all from this mind of the masses.

I'll fall over right here...

The two of you fight.

I'll lay down and close my eyes...

Fighting for nothing, no purpose.

No purpose...

No purpose.

No purpose...

No purpose.

A creative idea, Niklas. Although creative, I feel it's missing something, and that something is what it needs in order to become a better or even an excellent piece- if that's what you desire.

My suggestion would be to add more conflict. Give it substance- something the reader can chew on. As of now, it's a little too vague. Granted, I do believe the vague approach is purposeful for this piece.

Also, I found line 13 very abstract. One thing you should consider doing if you revise the piece (which I highly recommend you do because of its creative and original idea) as I sort of mentioned before, be more specific.


Over all, a nice piece to read more than once. Thanks for sharing.

Interesting indeed. I like how you repeated "No purpose" several times. It is the tragedy of the human condition to have no purpose or to believe we have no purpose. If we didn't have purpose everything would be meaningless and we'd "Explode" and "Die". Human beings often spend life times searching for purpose, in my view they may never find it. Your piece is creative, and very involved. I hope you find that purpose you are looking for. You and the "Masses"
Regards,
Andrew Jonius

This was definitely an intriguing write with an effective title. It caught my eye immediately! But I agree with Our_Pneuma; line 13 doesn't seem to fit as I could tell you were asking questions with every other line. What made line 13 different? Was this a turning point for the character?

Originally Posted by Madaddicted

This was definitely an intriguing write with an effective title. It caught my eye immediately! But I agree with Our_Pneuma; line 13 doesn't seem to fit as I could tell you were asking questions with every other line. What made line 13 different? Was this a turning point for the character?

lines 1, 2 & 3 are Q in a row.
my take: there were two lines of thought/question running simultaneous. Imagine (he) talking to God, and recieving no answers, then having to reach (his/your) own conclusions. (ever done that?)

the two of you fight, for nothing..the eternal G vs. D

I like this.

In the grand scheme of things, what good are all the baubles and trinkets we buy for ourselves? No one cares, since human nature is ugly, vain, competitive, and sarcastic. It seems like those who are the most arrogant and cruel are those who are successful in life, and I want no part in that kind of existence.

4.5 stars out of 5, and that's only because in life, there is no winning, only degrees of losing.

I enjoyed the piece, it gave the reader a chance to think and imagine. If you are the kind of writer who likes to paint a clear picture for the reader rather then allowing them to paint there own then feel free to add more. Your piece alone in the current state I believe is good writing it still is a little vague for my taste.