Thread: I Remember

When I was 3 I bit into an electric cord. I remember the buzzing tingle in my head,

When I was 7 I stepped on a nail. I remember the pain as it went through my foot.

When I was 10 I fell out of a tree. I remember bouncing down from branch to branch and hitting the ground hard.

When I was 13 I broke my nose. I remember the numb feeling and a lot of blood.

When I was 17 I got hit by a car. I remember the sound of screeching breaks and a thud. I woke up in a hospital.
I most of all remember the smell of that hospital.

When I was 18 I met you. I remember----oh, so much, so very much. All wonderful. No pain. Just you.

When I was 22 we married. I remember our life together as a fairy tale.

When I was 31 I had a gallbladder attack. I remember the pain being so great I couldn’t even stand. Back to the hospital.
The same hospital smell.

When I was 58 I had a heart attack. I remember thinking I don’t want to leave you, much more than I remember any pain.
Hospital. Smell.

When I was 63 you went away. All I remember anymore are the painful events of my life.

I’m 65. I stand here by your stone. The gun is in my pocket.

I remember------

June 2011 edit Nov 22, 2011

This is staggering in the vivid imagery of that last line.I loved the way you brought the reader along-year by year--event by event-slowly building to a devastating conclusion ...
On a personal note--I hope with all of my soul that you have never felt that kind of despair , That you would stand at her grave side with a gun in your pocket... Peace--Jul

Please don't pull the trigger...lol.

The fact that I''m writing this should suggest that either I didn't pull the trigger or that I am a very poor shot. I'm a very good shot, ergo---

Once in my life I did feel that kind of despair. I survived it. I have tried several times to articulate that feeling in poetry, usually around the 4th of July. This is my attempt this year
--

Prof, I like the way the only positive memories in this are about the 'you'; it shows how important love is, without making it too lovey-dovey. Well handled, I think!

beautifully written piece here friend, beautiful indeed. This life is a strange one indeed, but everything is heading exactly to where it's supposed to be heading! Nothing is off track.

Stay positive sir! It's all a man has!

With love,

ECT

At first all i could notice was the the age numbers went up into then jumped to three, but then i started to realise the pattern you had. Very nice piece. I like how you wrote this. I was taken back by the ending - didn't expect that! Nice one

Thanks guys. I have been trying for years to get a certain emotion on paper. I think this comes close.

You don't have to make these changes if you don't want to.
"When I was 7 I stepped on a nail. I remember the stabbing pain as it went completely through my foot."
It sounded a bit wordy so i took out completely as it also sounded redundant being in the phrase "through my foot"
When I was 7 I stepped on a nail. I remember the stabbing pain as it went through my foot.

"When I was 10 I fell out of a tree. I remember bouncing down the branches like a ping pong ball."
The first sentence was a bit wordy. The second one sounds really nice though, but maybe you could find a different word for bouncing? It sounds a little too playful.
When I was ten I fell from a tree.

"When I was 22 we married. I remember our life together almost as a fairy tale"
Get rid of "almost"

"When I was 31 I had a gallbladder attack. I remember the pain being so great I couldn’t even stand up. Back to the hospital.
I still most of all remember the smells."
Remove the word "up" and you might be able to rephrase "I still most of all remember the smells"

"When I was 58 I had a mild heart attack. I remember thinking I don’t want to leave you, much more than I remember any pain.
Hospital. Smells."
Cut "mild from the first sentece" and place the word Any in front of "Hospital" and "Smells" It'll fit better with "any pain"

"When I was 63 you went away. All I remember anymore are the painful events of my life."
First part is perfect. Restructure the second sentence. Maybe change it to "Now all i can recall are the painful events in my life."

the last sentence is amazing, its very plain, yet very emotional.

Reynolds29, of course I don't have to make the changes if I don't want to, but some are valid and I will edit a bit.

Your first is a good point, I try it.

Your next is less valid. I see little difference between fell out of & fell from. I agree about ping pong ball, but pichinco ball is no better and short of pin ball machine I draw a blank.

Your third, agree with removing up, but not about changing the last sentasnce.

Your fourth, I agree with dropping the word mild not with the rest of it.

Your fifth I must disagree with. "Remember" is the key word in the poem. Why would I change it to "recall?"

Still, thanks for the detailed reviews. I appreciate it.

For me personally, I consider the ability to connect with someone else and hopefully create a dialogue the goal of anything I write. If I can do that I feel that what I have written is a success. That is why I really appreciated this piece.

As you remembered ages and events, I also remembered similar events at similar ages. I liked how, as you went on you included emotions with the physical event. And the last line, I said "Oh my gosh!" out loud. It was stunning.

You said so much so simply and it had quite an impact on me.

This was very good.

nerot

There's a similar series of poems by Joe Brainard set out like this, and it's interesting how he does them, that I would suggest. Rather than set out the memories in a linear way (from age 6 to 65), it might have more of an emotional effect on the reader if your speaker remembers the childhood he had with his love while he's older. What Brainard did was select a series of random memories. He could go from remembering college to remembering when he was a little boy, and then back to high school. Remember that nothing has to be chronological, and in fact, making time non-linear can have a very fantastic, abstract effect.

I will look up Joe Brainard. Siill, in this particular poem I didn't want am abstract effect, I worked to keep the details solid and clear.


nerot, thank you, you got exactly what I was after, and the final reaction too.

This is rather... amazing. I adore the way you twisted the ending. You let the reader's hope rise, then dropped them right to the ground again. That's what I like about the poem. The emotion is communicated clearly. Good work, comrade.

This is hard hitting... knocked me over with the ending. Beautifully composed, and gives a wide overview of life in just a few meaningful events. Love it.... really do.