Thread: I Remember

I made a new edit of this and I'm not sure yet that I have the full effect I'm after, opinions?

sorry Prof, but I do not like this at all. It's repetitive, it's a 'me, me, me' poem without any attempt to connect the me to the us. It lacks any use of structure or technique except to repeat a pattern - when, I when, I. Is it a poem or is it just a series of sentences? I'm probably leaning towards the latter, in fact it reminds me a bit of the sort of 'poetry' children are taught to write in schools, as if poetry is nothing more than prose with funny lines to break it up. I think poetry is a lot more than that.

The most interesting fact is that every (or often) on July 4th you write a suicide poem - that's the poem I'd try to construct.

I didn’t see this the first time around. I like it. I like it very much. I didn’t think I would but I did. The emotion works so well in this. I found myself taking on a smile at the beginning, then very gradually the smile changed into something else, something more serious, as it progressed. It may have been just a series of sentences but it worked for me. I do not like “The gun is in my pocket.” at the end. It was shocking and unpleasant to hear that after you evoked and displayed such wonderful lifetime memories. I’d replace it with something less jarring. At 65 you still have much life to live. Things may be different now, your love may be gone but life can still be lived and new memories made. It was a neat read.

Overall an effective poem, though I think there are places where it falters. First of all, I suggest removing all instances of "I remember" except for the final mention. Otherwise it is redundant in most cases. We know he remembers because he is telling us about it.

When I was 7 I stepped on a nail. I remember the stabbing pain as it went through my foot.
'stabbing pain' is cliche. There is a better image out there that brings home the experience of stepping on a nail. You haven't found it yet.

When I was 10 I fell out of a tree. I remember bouncing down from branch to branch and hitting the ground hard.
Somewhat amusing image, him bouncing from branch to branch. Is he a ball now? Perhaps better is 'crashing through'.

When I was 17 I got hit by a car. I remember the sound of screeching breaks and a thud. I woke up in a hospital.
I most of all remember the smell of that hospital.
From time to time your writing becomes vague. This is one of those times. What is the hospital smell? Be concrete. Is it bleach? Vomit? A combination of the two? Hospital smell is generic, vague, gives no lasting impression.

When I was 18 I met you. I remember----oh, so much, so very much. All wonderful. No pain. Just you.

When I was 22 we married. I remember our life together almost as a fairy tale.
This is where your poem falters, in my opinion. You go from very specific imagery to this ... which is nothing. The lack of imagery here, compared to the rest of the poem, really stood out to me. I suggest focusing on one image that conveys this wonderful feeling, and this 'fairy tale' life. It doesn't have to be grandiose. Sometimes the best moments seem the most trivial.

When I was 63 you went away. All I remember anymore are the painful events of my life.
Last line should go unsaid. The poem will be stronger without this kind of bald exposition. I suggest another image here. For example, when did she pass? Maybe a seasonal image would work well here.

Dannyboy: thank you for taking the time to critique my poem. I intended the I remember to remind one of a tolling bell, guess I'll have to try again. Of course it's "me" poem, It's "me" who is suffering. I originally wrote it without the gun, frankly I thiki it's better with the gun. Oh and as for writing a suicide poem, no, that isn't my aim. Read my "You hit me Hard Today, That was another July 4th poem, I'm after a mood and I have not got it yet..

Gardening Girl; Thanks, sorry you didn't like the ending, but as I wrote above, Originally I wrote it without the gun, but I think it's better with it.

JohnMG; Thanks for responding. I don't agree with everything you say but I can see your point on each one. In order First, I do like the "I Remember", It is indeed redundant, but so is a tolling bell. Second, you are right about the "stabbing pain" being a chiche, How do you like the change? Third, I really did bounce from branch to branch, I even straddled one bot I left that out. Fourth, I think everyone has a different idea about hospital smells, but they would all; agree there is a distinct smell to a hospital. Fifth,I agree in part and am dropping the "almost as". Your last point I think I covered above. Again. thanks for your time.

I really liked the flow of this. The patterned style made it very easy to be lulled until >wham< !

Hey Prof,

Been a while, thought I'd cruise the boards and yours was the first I stopped on. Hope you don't mind.

I like it. I have to admit it teeters for me a bit, the repetition is a bit stark - something like an essay or short narrative. Not necessarily a bad thing in poetry, just something to consider. All told, I think the repetition, narrative and the sober imagery keeps the reader a bit distant. For such an emotive message, I would try to bring the reader in tight - draw them in so that they empathize with those moods and experience those images.

Of course, that the real sport of it all isn't it? How to capture an audience. I digress.

It's not a standard poem, but that's a good thing. It's narrative, as it should be - so that too works well here. If I think on it long enough I don't see any real issue, but at first it was hard to get behind it. I'm pretty open minded though, you might have a small audience on this one. I think it all comes down to the separation one feels in reading this... like watching the news.

I hope some of that makes sense. My deepest condolences for your loss. I'm in your boat too - oddly enough mine was July 5th. I've never been able to write her the poem I wanted too either. A difficult thing, when it's real.

Any rate, wishing you the best bud. Hope to read more of yours soon.

Cheers,

Josh