Thread: I wish words were cathartic

I wish words were
cathartic,

the letters could
burrow in the empty crags,
behind where pain
had eaten in
and mend the holes
beneath the skin.

melt the membrane,
the empty drum
covering the rift,
complete the vision
where sorrow
leaves a blank
and derision.

I wish words were
cathartic
and not just
empty.

Originally Posted by vangoghsear

I wish words were
cathartic,

the letters could
burrow in the empty crags,
behind where pain
had eaten in acidity.
and mend the holes
beneath the skin.

melt the membrane,
the empty drum
covering the rift,
complete the vision
where sorrow
leaves a blank
and derision. Good flow.

I wish words were
cathartic
and not just
empty too.

Interesting little piece vangogh, although I disagree with the premise. This could be longer I think, with a thorough expansion of the basic idea you have here. As a work which flows, it works. As a work fleshing out an idea, I feel it falls short.

I liked the first stanza, but I think it could be tweaked a little:

the letters could burrow
in the empty crags
where pain had eaten in,
and mend the holes
beneath the skin.

Not to say it should be exactly like that, but you know...

The second stanza was also good, but perhaps it should be "left blankness" instead of "leaves a blank".

gorgeous van.

truly.

i would consider dropping that last stanza though.

the previous is so much stronger, such a nicer place to end it.

much love,
jen

Thanks Edge for reading and commenting. I'm finding several disagree with my premise.

The premise isn't that they can't help, they can, but that once a person is hurt by a word or deed, "sorry" glazes the pain over, but doesn't really remove the hole left.

Garden of Kadesh, I will consider your suggestions. Thanks for reading and commenting.

ms. vodka, I dropped the last word. I want the bookends of the repeated opening line. Also, the idea that words could have caused the hole. Thanks for reading.

Van,

The writing is good. I disagreed with the premise, as well. With your explanation, I understand it better, but maybe you could find a way to make that clearer in the poem. Having said that, I do think the last stanza has quite an impact.

Thanks for your comment, Jellyfish. I'll look at that possibility. Not sure if I'll change anything, but maybe. A few people are having trouble with the concept, so I might have to add something to clarify my meaning.

I love the line "and derision" - normally I would suggest a word to be added in between because it feels cut short, but that is actually excellently done and combines very well with the last stanza, with two lines that are also reduced tightly and illustrate this almost despairing effort. I would change one line though: "complete the vision" doesn't seem to flow well, both in intrinsic and outward grammar. Suggestion: "and heal the vision" - or something in that sense. When recited aloud this is also more integrated with the rest of the work.

Dzhyan, thanks for the comments. I'm going to think about your "and heal the vision" suggestion. I think it's a good one. It's been so long since I have seen this poem I need to think about what it was I actually meant.

A marvelous piece of work, van. This stanza? Could this capsulize your premise?
And "melt the membrane" You know how to marry words!

melt the membrane,
the empty drum
covering the rift,
complete the vision
where sorrow
leaves a blank
and derision.

I don't disagree with the premise at all. By the time I walk away I am left with more questions then answers, sooooooo I get this big time ! This is the stanza that read like perfection to me

the letters could
burrow in the empty crags,
behind where pain
had eaten in
and mend the holes
beneath the skin.

That stanza turns on one word " Could... "