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Poetry Poems, Haiku & Tanka etc.

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Old 06-20-2008, 03:46 PM   #1
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Shot At Love

She read the letter he had sent
By lamp of firelight.
"Meet me tonight in the garden.
Under our tree in the garden.
At first stroke of midnight."

She walked through the snow to the garden
At midnight, for her love.
Until, at last, she saw him
Under the moon, she saw him
Bright stars shone high above.

He met her and embraced her
Then knelt and took her hand
But in his eyes, a secret
Hid, a deep, dark secret
She could not understand.

She never had seen it before
This darkness in his eyes.
He said, "Be with me forever.
Will you love me forever?"
She could hear in his voice, the lies.

She shook her head, eyes blurred with tears
And tried to pull away
Tore from his grasp, and ran
Away from that darkness, she ran
Longing for light of day.

She stopped in the snow, and turned
When she heard his anguished cry
And saw in his hand a gun
A shot fired from the gun
His love had been denied.

It hit her side, but shattered her heart
She whispered to him, "Why?"
Her blood spilled in the moonlight,
Staining the snow in the moonlight.
But her lover did not reply.

Broken lover walked away
He left her lying there
Bleeding her love on the snow
Shedding her tears on the snow
And dying, in despair.

A tragic tale of lover spurned
Both hearts broken that night.
Her love, cut short by a bullet
Two lives destroyed by a bullet
Shot under that pale moonlight.
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Old 06-20-2008, 04:11 PM   #2
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There is a great deal of repetition in this one which doesn't benefit the poem. Sometimes repetition can be a useful device but my opinion is that it really isn't helping in this case and I would suggest trimming it down.
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Old 06-20-2008, 04:14 PM   #3
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Intentional. I don't like sticking to conventional rhythms all the time. Trimming it down would kind of throw off the setup of the entire piece.

Last edited by Dreamflight : 06-21-2008 at 11:12 AM.
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