MisterJack

Too Much







Should I be thankful for the tiredness
which set itself on neck and shoulders?
Your toothpaste lips have kissed the air
but not the hole inside my gut
where soldiers line with muskets
taking aim at my resolve.

Say goodbye before you cough
and spit your two front teeth;
your smile now ripped from photographs
of wedding days and Christmas
where there was nothing but decay
of who we thought we were.

You asked me to be castle sized
and fill your hips with children
built of milk and hope and iron-
but now the ropes are at my back
and this corner is so sore
it’s left my skin in blistered heat.

Say goodbye to me, Miss Charlotte
and I will gladly plough the field
that you have left to crows and mice;
our crop that stood beneath the sun
now rotten to the roots of corn;
ready for the fresh new seeds of spring.













.

__________________
If it claims to be God, eat it.

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Damien.

No crits. The mood is very well captured. Great images. Needless to say, I enjoyed it thoroughly.

__________________
Come down down, they'll say,
But everything looks perfect from far away.
Come down down, but we'll stay.

CMM_Kaleido

Hey, how did you get to muskets? That's where I've been working! (Delving into some local history here.) There is seriously something odd about words that crop up simultaneously in the thought processes of different writers, happens a bit too often to be coincidental. Is there something in the wired water?

your smile now ripped from photographs
---A great example of a technique I love and have just realized why. This is the literary parallel of simplifying an image to a striking graphic element; remove the excess (that no one knew was excess) and leave only details truly needed to communicate shape and form, or in this case emotion (ex. the visual result of this process makes the strongest logo designs)

I'll be back when I have more time.

apple

This poem reads solid and girthy and bitter. I believe you. A very strong picture of the characters. I too, was taken with "your smile now ripped from photographs"

apple

vangoghsear

The use of musket threw me for a second because the rest of it has a modern feel.

I like the imagery. Good poem except for that musket thing.

__________________
If writing is wrong, I don't want to be right.

MisterJack

Damien: Thank you for the kind words. Glad the piece worked for you.

CMM: I think as we've both been quite deep in the history of the military recently, it is inevitable we will cross paths at some point regarding issues related to the theme. I used muskets as a symbol of time, as a reference to the age of the relationship along with the extinction of it, and as a hollow reference regarding the shot, as opposed to the sharpness of bullets. I look forward to any further comments you may have.

Apple: Thank you for the comment. I wanted it to be as honest as possible without going down the cliche or angst route. I'm glad it worked for you and that line, in particualr, stood out. Thank you

Van: As I explained to CMM, i wanted the musket as a historical reference to highlight the long lingering history. I have considered altering to 'rifles' or similar, but feel musket shot has more of a hollow feel to it, as opposed to the sharpness of bullets. Hope this makes sense and am happy to alter if it still doesn't sit right.


Thank you all for the comments so far.

Kind regards

Jack

__________________
If it claims to be God, eat it.

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J.R. MacLean

damned good mj, I like the musket thing, for what it is worth.

I think you might consider tweaking the ending slightly for meaning

to clarify it is the field that'll be ready, not the corn.

littletimebomb

I loved this, don't really have any crits, just two minor suggestion

"Say goodbye before you cough
and spit your two front teeth;"

for some reason this read as a little awkward to me, maybe if it was something more like "spitting out your two front teeth"

also

"where there was nothing but decay
of who we thought we were."
I don't think you need the "where" there, it might flow better without it... but what do I know? This is just weird nit-picky stupid stuff, if you don't change anything it's still a very strong and solid piece.

Good work

__________________
"All I ever wanted was to pick apart the day,
and put the pieces back together my way." -Aesop Rock


"Life is like a song, can you keep the beat?"-Felt

Mirror

Jack-

Excellent work.

The third stanza struck me as the most potent, particularly the part below:

You asked me to be castle sized
and fill your hips with children
built of milk and hope and iron-

(A plunder of sorts: coveting and failing to provide in return. I think these verses underline the woman's prepotency and raise the question: how could their offspring be perfect in the light of a self-fulfilling prophecy?)

Best,
Mirror

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Selected poetry by Ariana Rink and John Williamson:

http://www.lulu.com/content/2956099

Garden of Kadesh

Well, somebody just got out of a bad relationship...

I particularly liked the transition from astringent (vocab attack!) to the shred of hope introduced in the last stanza.

And of course, you're up to your old tricks with the odd comparisons ("toothpaste lips").

__________________
"Some men are born mediocre, some men achieve mediocrity, and some men have mediocrity thrust upon them."

- Catch 22

lonewolf13

I agree with Mirror - that was the best part. I love the tone, as well.

__________________
"And I don't know This could break my heart or save me . . .
So here I go with all my thoughts I've been saving
So here I go with all my fears weighing on me"
- Kelly Clarkson, Sober

Blue Shades

I didn't count how many times I said wow while reading this poem twice!
I won't mention any favourite parts because I loved the entire poem.
Nice work.

Blue Shades

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MisterJack

JR: Thank you, I will introduce some puntuation to break that connection slightly and make it more obvious. Glad you liked it and thanks for the kind words

LTB: good to see you back here. Thank you for the suggestions, no matter how minor, there may always be something that needs a little tweek, so I will give your pointers some thought. Thank you

Mirror: Thank you also. Yes, the unsetling and somewhat uncompromising demands of a woman (kidding). I'm pleased the piece worked for you and thank you so much.

GoK: Guess you've been there too, eh? This piece is designed to be universal but I wanted the sense of honesty to come through. I'm pleased it worked for you and thank you for the kind words.

Lonewolf13: Thank you kindly

Blueshades: Glad you enjoyed the piece as a whole. I laways read pieces a good few times myself to get into the writers thoughts. Pleased you got something from this on both reads and thank you.

Thank you all

Jack

__________________
If it claims to be God, eat it.

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