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| Poetry Poems, Haiku & Tanka etc. |
06-19-2008, 09:46 AM
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#1
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Adept Writer
Join Date: Mar 2008
Gender: Male
Posts: 960
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Don't Know Puddle Me
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__________________
Come down down, they'll say,
But everything looks perfect from far away.
Come down down, but we'll stay.
Last edited by Damien. : 06-19-2008 at 03:47 PM.
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06-19-2008, 10:18 AM
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#2
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Prolific Writer
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: USA
Gender: Female
Posts: 363
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Okay, I'm all for the new heights of convergence, but the YouTube link threw me. Otherwise, this piece has your usual honest emotion and some good use of enjambment:
that when I try to conjure some pretty piece
of me to show you
all that comes out is these crumbled pills.
The punctuation at the end of L1 is a comma splice, which may be OK in poetry, but I think for smoother flow and meaning a stop instead of a pause, with a period or semi-colon, would work better.
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06-19-2008, 10:20 AM
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#3
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Adept Writer
Join Date: Mar 2008
Gender: Male
Posts: 960
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.
__________________
Come down down, they'll say,
But everything looks perfect from far away.
Come down down, but we'll stay.
Last edited by Damien. : 06-19-2008 at 03:47 PM.
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06-19-2008, 10:23 AM
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#4
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Profound Writer
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Oxford
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,349
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LOL @ the youtube link. I thought it was clever but gimmicky. Would like to see the link work in a book  . (j/k)
Aside from that, I liked the honesty in this and the read didn't throw me. I agree with CMM about that opening line but had no issue with the rest of the piece. Thought it was a good write and I have been sitting back watching you improve. You have certainly come along way, Damien. Good for you.
I look forward to your next piece 
Kind regards
Jack
__________________
If it claims to be God, eat it.
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06-19-2008, 10:26 AM
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#5
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Adept Writer
Join Date: Mar 2008
Gender: Male
Posts: 960
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.
__________________
Come down down, they'll say,
But everything looks perfect from far away.
Come down down, but we'll stay.
Last edited by Damien. : 06-19-2008 at 03:47 PM.
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06-19-2008, 10:27 AM
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#6
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Adept Writer
Join Date: Mar 2008
Gender: Male
Posts: 960
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.
__________________
Come down down, they'll say,
But everything looks perfect from far away.
Come down down, but we'll stay.
Last edited by Damien. : 06-19-2008 at 03:47 PM.
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06-19-2008, 11:03 AM
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#7
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Prolific Writer
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: USA
Gender: Female
Posts: 363
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The link made me think there was an inside joke kind of communication going on and made me think twice about posting, in case I was missing something. Or possibly an advertisement, aren't I terribly cynical?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Damien.
I just sprayed emotion all over the page with no control at all.
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No, sorry, I don't buy this. If such is the case, then whatever your writing background is it is strong enough to give you unconscious control so you can pull a piece together with little conscious effort. This piece is not a rant. It has a beginning, a middle, and an end for storytelling; precision in the line breaks (as I mentioned before) for emotional effect; and honest images pared from an identifiable reality. |
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06-19-2008, 11:22 AM
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#8
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Adept Writer
Join Date: Mar 2008
Gender: Male
Posts: 960
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.
__________________
Come down down, they'll say,
But everything looks perfect from far away.
Come down down, but we'll stay.
Last edited by Damien. : 06-19-2008 at 03:47 PM.
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06-19-2008, 11:28 AM
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#9
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Prolific Writer
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: USA
Gender: Female
Posts: 363
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I would be curious to see what you could do with a "conscious" effort.  |
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06-19-2008, 11:31 AM
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#10
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Adept Writer
Join Date: Mar 2008
Gender: Male
Posts: 960
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.
__________________
Come down down, they'll say,
But everything looks perfect from far away.
Come down down, but we'll stay.
Last edited by Damien. : 06-19-2008 at 03:48 PM.
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06-19-2008, 11:32 AM
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#11
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Adept Writer
Join Date: Mar 2008
Gender: Male
Posts: 960
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.
__________________
Come down down, they'll say,
But everything looks perfect from far away.
Come down down, but we'll stay.
Last edited by Damien. : 06-19-2008 at 03:48 PM.
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06-19-2008, 12:02 PM
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#12
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Adept Writer
Join Date: Mar 2008
Gender: Male
Posts: 960
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.
__________________
Come down down, they'll say,
But everything looks perfect from far away.
Come down down, but we'll stay.
Last edited by Damien. : 06-19-2008 at 03:48 PM.
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06-19-2008, 12:09 PM
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#13
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Adept Writer
Join Date: Mar 2008
Gender: Male
Posts: 960
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.
__________________
Come down down, they'll say,
But everything looks perfect from far away.
Come down down, but we'll stay.
Last edited by Damien. : 06-19-2008 at 03:49 PM.
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06-19-2008, 12:46 PM
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#14
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Ink Slinger
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: Maryland
Gender: Male
Posts: 3,113
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Damien,
Take your first and last stanzas, and there's your poem. And a very good one too. The watermelon image was, literally, refreshing.
cheers
Ben
__________________
The Palace Flophouse
When Newton closed his eyes beneath a tree
and took the apple from the serpent, he
conceived the urge of humanity, plea, plea,
procreant desire and tendency.
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