babygirlmedia

Hi sorry to ask again but im really trying hard on my poetry at the moment and i have worked on this one for a few hours this morning and just needed some views?




I give my soul to you


I smile everyday just thinking about you,
You fulfil me in everyway you could think of,
Everyday with you is another day which is new,
It is another day filled with happiness and love.

My soul will always be immortal,
I give my soul to your soul forever in a day,
Where true love is found and is full,
Nothing else matters and for eternity it will stay.

Love is not about the material things in life,
Only emotions and feelings truly count,
Nothing gets so bad that it ends in strife,
Its love that’s so pure which will forever mount.

When you or I die we will still be together,
Our souls will never leave one another’s,
We will always be together always, forever, whatever,
Our souls are true and that’s what makes us perfect lovers.

©Jemma ozanne

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Yesterday is the past, Tomorow is the future. Today is a gift which is why it is called the present.

tristiano

the rhymes are ok, better than most poems written on the topic (because this topic is usually the undertaking of a sixth grade girl with a crush) although forced at times, such as count and mount.

some words are repeated a bit too much, such as soul (that 3 souls in two lines is murder)

now.. the topic..
*takes a deep breath*
HORRIBLY.. CLICHE.

try writing about people you hate opposed to people you love. or just anything besides love. instead of just describing feelings use imagery. like in writing about my mother instead of explaining how i hate her i wrote something like how i want to slam her head on a pike and watch the blood drip down and the eyes roll back as crowds of liberated cheered at the demise of a beast.

anyway, my critiquing hat is now off. over and out.

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Damien.

Ah, Tristan, you say what I fear to. I found the topic done over and over; you need something fresh that you feel equally strong about. It's just... too obvious.

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To forget one's purpose is the commonest form of stupidity. - Friedrich Nietzsche

Damien.

You know, I find myself avoiding the use of the word soul almost completely due to the terrible images I get of angels and doves and crap.

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To forget one's purpose is the commonest form of stupidity. - Friedrich Nietzsche

Achilles

The sentiments are nice, but the words you chose have been used so much they've completely lost their meaning.

Love poems aren't bad. Just come up with something unique about your love story that your audience hasn't heard before. Also, remember that writing for yourself and writing for an audience are different. If you post something on this site, you're writing for an audience and therefore it should have universal appeal. If you're writing for yourself or your lover, you can write whatever the hell you want and no one on this site can tell you differently.

Imagery, originality, flow of language. Keep those in mind every time you write. A poem should not be forced.

Don't stop writing! The more you write, the more you'll improve, and the people on this site help a lot.

cheers

Ben

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The Palace Flophouse

When Newton closed his eyes beneath a tree
and took the apple from the serpent, he
conceived the urge of humanity, plea, plea,
procreant desire and tendency.

Damien.

You're nicer than me, Achilles. Babygirl: try writing about the quirks of this lover of yours, something you hate, or a particular moment. Maybe about a certain expression he/she has, their personality... just avoid anything that sounds... sappy.

__________________
To forget one's purpose is the commonest form of stupidity. - Friedrich Nietzsche