Asteroid Earth - Writers Forum

Garden of Kadesh · 06-18-2008, 05:42 PM

Asteroid Earth

I float dreamily in blackness
flying straight, yet pathless
it’s been a while, but now I’m free
from the old gold sun’s gravity.

The stars, always pining
throw pins of light; shining
trying to get my attention
but only one star has my affection.

She lies in a galaxy
that reminds me of spilt milk
a white blot in lightless sea
a whirling swirl of silk.

It’s cold out here in the void
and my atmosphere’s destroyed
the parasites of yore live no more
buried deep inside my frozen core.

I can’t wait for my lover’s fire
but her warmth is far away
for now I must quell desire
and choke down my dismay.

Perhaps when we unite
and the nebulae of love ignite
I shall have children once again
though I pray relief from the race of men.

lonewolf13 · 06-18-2008, 09:42 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Garden of Kadesh

Asteroid Earth

Some clever word plays in here -

The stars, always pining
throw pins of light; shining
trying to get my attention

She lies in a galaxy
that reminds me of spilt milk
a white blot in lightless sea

I don't know if you are referring to the Milky Way galaxy or not - if so, this is a (not)cute way to describe it; if not, this is too much a strong association with it.

a whirling swirl of silk.

Love this.

the parasites of yore live no more
buried deep inside my frozen core.

I can’t wait for my lover’s fire
but her warmth is far away
for now I must quell desire
and choke down my dismay.

This is where the poem turns for me to become too sing-songy. It's out of place with the previous lines, which are beautiful, flowing, and mysterious.

Perhaps when we unite
and the nebulae of love ignite
I shall have children once again
though I pray relief from the race of men.

This is little sing-songy, too, but I love that second line, and it works well with the first line, so I actually think it works. And I like the ending.

Overall, great job. But I want to hear more about the "lover". That would add a lot more substance, and I would love for you to use you beautiful wordplay to describe her.

J.R. MacLean · 06-19-2008, 07:31 AM

s1l3 I think you want "It's been a while"

nice idea that you've pulled off with an appropriate style

I particularly like 'the parisites of yore live no more'

cheers
J.R.

Mirror · 06-19-2008, 07:42 AM

Garden of Kadesh-

A sound idea, yes, and executed with competence. I found the alternations in the rhyme scheme effective, almost echoing the progression from a coveted weightlessness to the gravity of a decision. Good work.

Best,
Mirror

MisterJack · 06-19-2008, 10:11 AM

I agree with JR about the line he highlighted. that threw me off a little. I liked the flow here and the overall idea was sound and pretty well executed.Rhymes didn't come across as forced and the word choces were sound.

Enjoyed overall.

Jack

Garden of Kadesh · 06-19-2008, 10:39 AM

Thanks for reading and commenting everyone. Fixed the line missing the "a".