eternalbeautifulchild

Based on the story of JonBenet. Am thinking of submitting this as part of a portfolio, so don't hold back any ideas or criticism!

My silly little girl with her big blueberry eyes
Her halo of gold curls and her Play-Doh apple pies
Her perfect rosy skin and her delicate rosebud lips
My silly little girl and her silly little kiss

My silly little girl is now a long way from home
Could you please assure me that she is not alone?
I would test her and I'd tease her
But an answer I never got
My little beauty smiled in silence;
And gave us all a shock.

My silly little girl with her grass-stained overalls
Her plea for fireworks and her way of burning hot dogs
Her tireless energy and her way of tiring me out
My silly little girl is still all I think about.

My silly little girl is now far from where she knows
Could you please inform me of how her journey goes?
They'd poked her and they'd prodded her
And I wish I hadn't agreed
At first they promised they would solve it
But instead they chose to blame me.

My silly little girl with her big love for life
Her innocent words still cling to my chest and hold tight
Her screams unheard on that fateful Christmas night

My silly little girl never knew of sex or death
But I'll assume she knew at last
Just as she drew her final breath.

I've been quiet for a year or two
A decade or so at least
My silly little girl in the ground
Time never did bring relief

I never forgot her smile, not once
Her toys tripping under my feet
I was never one for keeping quiet
What good was being discreet?

I was told to move on,
But in silence, to help me heal
I tried but her voice was too loud
And in silence the pain was too real.

My silly little girl with her disappearing face
Her barely-singsong voice and her ever-present grace
But my silly little girl taught me with the truth of one who dies; and
My silly little girl helped me see the silence was a lie.

comic geek

i really really liked the last few lines.
"My silly little girl with her disappearing face
Her barely-singsong voice and her ever-present grace"

nice ryhmes.

__________________
Lie in the grass next to the mausoleum
I'm just a notch in your bedpost but you're just a line in a song

Drop a heart and break a name
We're always sleeping in and sleeping for the wrong team

jellyfish

I thought you did an excellent job with the rhymes. They didn't seemed forced. I also thought the rhythm was quite nice throughout the entire piece. I got a little tired of "my silly little girl" about halfway through. Maybe rethink that a bit. I don't know, maybe it works for others. Overall nicely crafted and a good idea, albeit a tad on the saccharine side.

__________________
jellyfish

just another day in paradise

Garden of Kadesh

What a downer

On the bright side, this read very well. Good job.

__________________
"Some men are born mediocre, some men achieve mediocrity, and some men have mediocrity thrust upon them."

- Catch 22

eternalbeautifulchild

thanks to all who commented!

I know what you mean about the repetition but I don't want to lose the structure, and haven't really any ideas as to how to replace it. any ideas are welcome.