Welcome to Writing Forums, one of the fastest growing writing communties on the web.
You are currently viewing our boards as a guest which gives you limited access to view most discussions, articles and photo galleries. By joining our free community you will
be able to talk with other writers, get feedback on your work to improve your writing skills, discuss ideas, share tips & tricks, network and make friends!
Registration is fast, simple and absolutely free so please, join our community today!
If you have any problems with the registration process or your account login, please contact support.
| Poetry Poems, Haiku & Tanka etc. |
06-18-2008, 09:36 AM
|
#1
|
|
Ink Slinger
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: Maryland
Gender: Male
Posts: 3,113
|
When the World Fell Asleep
Up, he said, touching my wrist.
We go where fog throbs in the morning,
moss is a wedding veil.
We won't stop except to write songs
and poems by the summer fire.
Where, I asked.
Where does tree sap still foam
like sea cave spittle?
Afton erodes ferny glens;
Innisfree drowned Bacchus' sons.
The man in the moon stepped down
from every Kabul rooftop.
Where does poetry write itself
with ash and sweat and birch?
Here, he said.
Where concrete gardens grow
and iron rings like a dark gong,
you will find life, dripping slowly, slowly,
rousing the leaves of slumber.
__________________
The Palace Flophouse
When Newton closed his eyes beneath a tree
and took the apple from the serpent, he
conceived the urge of humanity, plea, plea,
procreant desire and tendency.
Last edited by Achilles : 06-18-2008 at 07:49 PM.
|
|
|
|
06-18-2008, 03:20 PM
|
#2
|
|
Writer
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Melbourne, FL
Gender: Female
Posts: 24
|
Quote:
Originally Posted by Achilles
Up, he said, touching my wrist.
Nice first line.
. . .
We won't stop except to write songs
and poems by the summer fire.
I like this line, too. I like the setup and premise of the poem.
. . .
Where does poetry write itself
with ash and sweat and birch?
The only line in this stanza that I care about.
. . .
you will find life, dripping slowly, slowly,
rousing the leaves of slumber.
And again, the only line in this stanza that I care about.
All other lines in the poem I just kind of glazed over.
Overall, nice, needs some revision to make the whole poem as strong as these lines.
|
__________________
"And I don't know This could break my heart or save me . . .
So here I go with all my thoughts I've been saving
So here I go with all my fears weighing on me"
- Kelly Clarkson, Sober
|
|
|
|
|
06-18-2008, 04:05 PM
|
#3
|
|
Ink Slinger
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: Maryland
Gender: Male
Posts: 3,113
|
LW,
Thanks for reading. I'm taking out four lines in the last strophe as yet another edit. I'm still not sure where this piece will end up, since it's practically nothing like the original at this point.
Thank you for your comment.
cheers
Ben
__________________
The Palace Flophouse
When Newton closed his eyes beneath a tree
and took the apple from the serpent, he
conceived the urge of humanity, plea, plea,
procreant desire and tendency.
|
|
|
|
|
06-18-2008, 06:08 PM
|
#4
|
|
Adept Writer
Join Date: Nov 2007
Gender: Female
Posts: 780
|
Achielles-
I enjoyed the piece. Very tactile. It appeals to the senses and contains various non-sequiturs, which kept my interest.
We go where fog throbs in morning
^ Any particular reason for the lack of an article? It sounds almost like 'in mourning'. Intentional?
and iron rings like a dark gong,
^ I like the noun-verb ambiguity.
Fine work.
Best,
Mirror
|
|
|
|
|
06-18-2008, 06:14 PM
|
#5
|
|
Profound Writer
Join Date: Mar 2008
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,015
|
Ohhhhhhhhhh that is so pretty... the first line reminds me of someone, the pure demand shown in so few words... needless to say, I sorta loved this.
__________________
Come down down, they'll say,
But everything looks perfect from far away.
Come down down, but we'll stay.
|
|
|
|
|
06-18-2008, 07:49 PM
|
#6
|
|
Ink Slinger
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: Maryland
Gender: Male
Posts: 3,113
|
Mirror: Thanks for reading. I didn't put in the article because I was in an extremely economical mood. But I think it does read better with it. Thanks for your help.
Damien: Glad you liked it!
Ben
__________________
The Palace Flophouse
When Newton closed his eyes beneath a tree
and took the apple from the serpent, he
conceived the urge of humanity, plea, plea,
procreant desire and tendency.
|
|
|
|
|
06-18-2008, 11:31 PM
|
#7
|
|
Mentor
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: South Australia
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,252
|
I really liked this. Left me feeling very serene, and has a nice spiritual feel. I think the stanza following 'Where, I asked.', could be tightened a little; you make your point, but then go a little bit too far. Overall, though, wonderful. Thanks for the read.
|
|
|
|
06-19-2008, 09:00 AM
|
#8
|
|
Scribe
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Somewhere on Earth
Gender: Female
Posts: 71
|
The images are original and I loved them.
I liked having "up," "where," and "here" in the poem: One-word conversations!
__________________
((Life can only be understood backwards))
|
|
|
|
|
06-19-2008, 10:07 AM
|
#9
|
|
Profound Writer
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Oxford
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,349
|
I read this before the changes and think they have enhanced the piece. I like this very much actually, a really pleasant read. I've read some of your poetry on here before and have enjoyed your writing.
Thannks for sharing this piece Achillies, I look forward to reading more of your work
Jack
__________________
If it claims to be God, eat it.
--------------
|
|
|
|
|
Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
|
|
|
Posting Rules
|
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts
HTML code is Off
|
|
|
All times are GMT -5. The time now is 04:34 AM. Powered by vBulletin, Copyright ©2000-2007, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
LinkBacks Enabled by vBSEO 3.1.0
|
|
Newsletter |
 |
|
Subscribe to Majestic
the official newsletter of Writing Forums and lit.org
|
|
Link to Us: 
|
|
