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| Poetry Poems, Haiku & Tanka etc. |
06-17-2008, 06:21 PM
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#1
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Profound Writer
Join Date: Mar 2008
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,015
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Trying to Talk
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__________________
Come down down, they'll say,
But everything looks perfect from far away.
Come down down, but we'll stay.
Last edited by Damien. : 06-19-2008 at 03:45 PM.
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06-17-2008, 11:46 PM
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#2
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Prolific Writer
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: USA
Gender: Female
Posts: 363
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Nice hints of "showing"; keeps this from falling into a rant.
Just a couple of comments:
L7 needs punctuation at the end. A comma or a semi-colon depending on your intended flow. I believe you also need a comma at the end of L3 before "well."
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06-18-2008, 08:27 AM
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#3
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Profound Writer
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: USA
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,240
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I agree with CMM_Kaleido on this. The images are more just hints, one or two well chosen words (stale fear, sweet pain, etc). Not bad.
__________________
If writing is wrong, I don't want to be right.  
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06-18-2008, 08:37 AM
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#4
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Profound Writer
Join Date: Mar 2008
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,015
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.
__________________
Come down down, they'll say,
But everything looks perfect from far away.
Come down down, but we'll stay.
Last edited by Damien. : 06-19-2008 at 03:45 PM.
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06-18-2008, 03:18 PM
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#5
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Ink Slinger
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Peterborough, Canada
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,916
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yeah, not bad. It'd be better with less telling (my fear, my rage) and more concrete details- like the pulsing mole on the father's forehead
drunkly---drunkenly
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06-18-2008, 06:11 PM
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#6
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Profound Writer
Join Date: Mar 2008
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,015
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Or his father's beady eyes and incoherant, soft voice as he kept pointing at the door.
__________________
Come down down, they'll say,
But everything looks perfect from far away.
Come down down, but we'll stay.
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06-19-2008, 08:52 AM
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#7
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Scribe
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Somewhere on Earth
Gender: Female
Posts: 71
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" my rage fails to stir itself" I liked this line the best.
The poem is short, yet detailed.
loved it 
__________________
((Life can only be understood backwards))
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06-19-2008, 09:11 AM
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#8
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Profound Writer
Join Date: Mar 2008
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,015
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.
__________________
Come down down, they'll say,
But everything looks perfect from far away.
Come down down, but we'll stay.
Last edited by Damien. : 06-19-2008 at 03:46 PM.
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