MisterJack

Who Is The Lady In The Park?





I caught a glimpse of pigeon lady;
a dash of wind and ripples
that shaped her weighted coat
as it hung like rhino hides
while feathers kissed her shoulders
floppy hat and concrete face.

She squawked in silent sunshine
with bits of bread on broken shoes-
they say she was a disco queen
(whoever they may be)
and she would feed the mouths of men
with strobe light eyes and lips
that sucked on straws of flesh.

Who is this secret pigeon lady
floating through the mist of passers by?
They say she killed her husbands
(whoever they may be)
and tucked the prose of Cummings
beneath that floppy hat;
a concrete face of torment
that could just be my mother’s.









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__________________
If it claims to be God, eat it.

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Mirror

Jack-

An excellent journey. While reading the poem, I was wondering how it would deliver on its premise. A clear, climactic ending. You've created the artistic illusion of this woman's presence over the course of time, making her almost an archetype. (I found the lack of an article in S1 L1 effective.)

Perhaps, a dash would be more appropriate than a semicolon in S1 L1? - You are introducing a phrasal modifier.

Also, I suggest you insert a comma at the end of S1 L5.

Fine work.

Best,
Mirror

__________________
Selected poetry by Ariana Rink and John Williamson:

http://www.lulu.com/content/2956099

Baron

I like the idea but question some of the metaphors. The picture that you paint is a harsh figure that gains no sympathy from the reader (in my opinion). The rhino hide metaphor in particular doesn't work for me, nor the use of concrete, which you repeat. I think that the bottom line is that for a poem like this to work it needs to evoke feeling for the subject and for me, this one doesn't.

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J.R. MacLean

like this alot mj, the sense of mystery and poignant personal twist at the end.

apple

I like this and was wondering about just a couple of things. Present tense, maybe.

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Who Is The Lady In The Park?





I caught a glimpse of pigeon lady;
a dash of wind and ripples
that shaped her weighted coat (that shape)
as it hung like rhino hides (as it hangs like rhino hides)
while feathers kissed her shoulders (kiss)
floppy hat and concrete face.

She squawked in silent sunshine (She squawks in silent sunshine) (shrills)?
with bits of bread on broken shoes-
they say she was a disco queen
(whoever they may be)
and she would feed the mouths of men
with strobe light eyes and lips
that sucked on straws of flesh.

Who is this secret pigeon lady (Who is this woman)
floating through the mist of passers by? (that floats inside the mist of)
They say she killed her husbands
(whoever they may be)
and tucked the prose of Cummings and tucks
beneath that floppy hat;
a concrete face of torment (hardened? face) so as not to repeat
that could just be my mother’s. (assembled like my mothers) a more expressive last line, maybe. I find this last line idea intriguing.

I hope you don't mind the meddle, Jack. I enjoy this style of poem immensely.

apple

Damien.

Nah, I disagree; nothing needs to be changed for me. Some pieces allow change, delicate twinges in writing, but some poems demand to be left raw, the blows would be ruined if you tried to contain them.

__________________
To forget one's purpose is the commonest form of stupidity. - Friedrich Nietzsche

MisterJack

Hmm, varying opinions and some great suggestions here. I will rework this idea a little and repost when I'm satisfied.

Thank you all for taking the time and offering the suggestions. I really appreciate the effort you guys have put in. I think it's safe to say that the repeat of concrete can go, and I quite like the idea of altering the tense.

Apple, Baron, JR, Mirror and Damien, thank you all for the read and comments.

Kind regards

Jack

__________________
If it claims to be God, eat it.

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