In All Honesty - Writers Forum

Edgewise · 06-17-2008, 12:32 AM

I saw a homeless man begging for a lottery ticket,
and decided to purchase him one
before tearing it up in his face.

Nothing could replace the feeling in my gut.
You know which one…
The hole.

In which fears are raised
and confidence erased.
Elation made a victim
of some cruel mistake.

And I realized at that moment,
staring into his eyes,
his eyes on the lottery ticket,
that there was an epiphany
between us,
shared across the void
of two entirely different experiences.

On my side,
I realized that I did not have enough faith in luck,
enough faith in fate.

Before, I thought that free will was absolute.
That anyone could change the world
and that truth was truly an essence.

But after this occurrence,
looking into his eyes,
my only recourse
was to believe.

Believe that the faith of enough people
is enough to cause continents to shift.
To propel men to fight,
and kill,
over arbitrary lines in the sand.
And to instill enough faith in a person
that he would rather have a worthless ticket to paradise
then to enjoy a hot meal.

On his part…
Well, I don’t know.

What I do know is that he too had a realization on that night.

Perhaps he arrived where I came from
in some sort of metaphysical negative
bipolar dance of electrons.

This much is for certain:

Just when you think you’ve seen it all,
“All” rearranges itself like a jigsaw with a mind all its own.

My question now is not,
“Should I have done that.”

But

“Why did I do that?”

Baron · 06-17-2008, 12:43 AM

I like this change of format and style, Edge. A really good read and another on my list to come back to.

lonewolf13 · 06-17-2008, 01:10 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Edgewise

Wow. A very powerful poem.

I saw a homeless man begging for a lottery ticket,
and decided to purchase him one
before tearing it up in his face.

Strong, shocking opening. Outraged me at first, but when the motive behind this action is explained farther into the poem, it takes away the sense of cruelty.

. . .
In which fears are raised
and confidence erased.
Elation made a victim
of some cruel mistake.

Weak. This part should be deleted.

. . .
shared across the void
of two entirely different experiences.

Nice.

. . .
Before, I thought that free will was absolute.
That anyone could change the world
and that truth was truly an essence.

Weak. Too prosy and explanative.

. . .
looking into his eyes,
my only recourse
was to believe.

Perfect. Penetrating.

Believe that the faith of enough people
is enough to cause continents to shift.

Awesome.

To propel men to fight,
and kill,
over arbitrary lines in the sand.

Too much explanation of faith. The first example is strong enough to stand on its own.

. . .
that he would rather have a worthless ticket to paradise

Great.

. . .
What I do know is that he too had a realization on that night.

What was it?

Perhaps he arrived where I came from
in some sort of metaphysical negative
bipolar dance of electrons.

Language does not fit the rest of the poem, and I'm not sure what you're trying to say.

This much is for certain:

Just when you think you’ve seen it all,
“All” rearranges itself like a jigsaw with a mind all its own.

Weird, but I think I like it.

My question now is not,
“Should I have done that.”

But

“Why did I do that?”

I don't know if this is the question to end the poem with. Didn't you already tell us why?

I like the poem. With revision, it could be truly awesome and extremely thought provoking. Mainly, I think it's too long into the poem before we find out the reason the speaker tore up the ticket. That initial scene is so horribly cruel that we need the explanation for it quickly so as to continue reading with attentiveness. And the two opposing viewpoints (better to slap people w/the miserable truth or to let them live in ignorant bliss) should be the tight focus of the poem.

Good job.

Edgewise · 06-17-2008, 01:26 AM

In All Honesty

Thank you for the in depth critique lonewolf. I will address it tommorow.

jellyfish · 06-17-2008, 10:23 AM

Very shocking first stanza. It's explained but perhaps a bit late for us to feel for the narrator. Could this be reworked so tearing up the ticket is at the end rather than the beginning? Perhaps not, might lose the feel, but something to think about.

Love this:

Just when you think you’ve seen it all,
“All” rearranges itself like a jigsaw with a mind all its own.

Nice work.

Edgewise · 06-17-2008, 11:36 PM

lonewolf, I am back to address your critique:

I am glad the opening jarred. That was the intended effect.

The second part you highlighted is nessecary for the rhythm of the piece, at least I think. It stays.

In all fairness, the whole piece is somewhat prosey. I don't think that particular part is any different. It stays.

You are right about the "killing...arbitrary" part. I was never too happy with it.

I don't know what his realization was. I may have to think that one through a bit more.

The electron part is one of my favorite pieces of the poem. It stays.

Imo, the bulk of the piece was an explaination of WHAT happened, rather than WHY. But, if you can answer that question at the end, I think it would be great to hear your take on it.

Thanks for the depth.

Edgewise · 06-17-2008, 11:39 PM

Jellyfish, you don't have to feel for the narrator, because he/she is a work of fiction. I am in no way emotionally invested in his/her actions. I am also fond of the "jigsaw" part. I don't think that moving the opening idea to the end is a very good idea. It would require such an extensive teardown of the piece that it would hardly be the same thing on here now.

Edgewise · 06-17-2008, 11:44 PM

EDITED: Replaced the "line in the sand" and added a line about the other mans realization.

I saw a homeless man begging for a lottery ticket,
and decided to purchase him one
before tearing it up in his face.

Nothing could replace the feeling in my gut.
You know which one…
The hole.

In which fears are raised
and confidence erased.
Elation made a victim
of some cruel mistake.

And I realized at that moment,
staring into his eyes,
his eyes on the lottery ticket,
that there was an epiphany
between us,
shared across the void
of two entirely different experiences.

On my side,
I realized that I did not have enough faith in luck,
enough faith in fate.

Before, I thought that free will was absolute.
That anyone could change the world
and that truth was truly an essence.

But after this occurrence,
looking into his eyes,
my only recourse
was to believe.

Believe that the faith of enough people
is enough to cause continents to shift.
To inure slaves to circumstance,
And to instill enough faith in a person
that he would rather have a worthless ticket to paradise
then to enjoy a hot meal.

On his part…
Well, I don’t know.

What I do know is that he too had a realization on that night.

Perhaps he arrived where I came from
in some sort of metaphysical negative
bipolar dance of electrons.

This much is for certain:

Just when you think you’ve seen it all,
“All” rearranges itself like a jigsaw with a mind all its own.

I think that’s what he realized.

My question now is not,
“Should I have done that?”

But

“Why did I do that?”

vangoghsear · 06-18-2008, 08:29 AM

I like this one edge. It raises a lot of difficult questions. Very thought provoking.

Damien. · 06-18-2008, 08:45 AM

Wow, I almost feel this more a story than a poem, but who says it can't be both? I quite adore this, like above comments, it was very deep.

Blue Shades · 06-18-2008, 08:56 AM

I read the piece twice, thanks to the strong beggining of the poem which has enough power " tocause continents to shift."

The poem shows the narrator's own beliefs. I liked it because it is like a short meaningful anecdote that compares between two different people. To be frank, I had to use my dictionary while reading your piece because English is not my first language.

jellyfish · 06-18-2008, 06:42 PM

Fiction or not, I think you do have to feel something for the narrator. Otherwise, interest is lost. Just my humble opinion, of course.

Edgewise · 06-18-2008, 07:41 PM

jellyfish, when you said, "feel for", did you mean sympathy, or any emotion at all? You certainly don't have to feel sympathy for this particular charecter, and you probably shouldn't.

Blue Shades, I am glad language wasn't a problem in this piece.

Damien, thank you!

Van Gogh, glad to hear about your reactions to this.

lonewolf13 · 06-18-2008, 09:25 PM

Edgewise - OK, I kind of get what you're saying about the poem being about "what" rather than "why". Let me stress that I do like this poem because it is so thought provoking, like vangogh said. I still think it could be trimmed down from what it is now and then expanded so as to center on that central theme I mentioned of naive belief vs. grim reality. But in the end, it is your baby, and you know what's best for it

. Thank you for making us all think.

Martin · 06-19-2008, 03:40 PM

For me, the verses and line breaks interrupt the reading! It reads more like a short-story unnecessarily divided into verses.
I think, as a poem, it needs to be less descriptive and more philosophic in its phrasings.

None the less, I did enjoy the realisations of the narrator.

/m