Nutella - Writers Forum

Martin · 06-15-2008, 11:43 AM

Lets go back a few
days, to when
the grass was summer-green
and the snow was bulging
with carrot-smiling snowmen.
To when mother wanted to kiss
and father drove the car
up and down tickling hills,
- to grandma' and pa'.
And little sis' who often cried
because her stupid teddy-bears
were not meant to fly,
just like the shooting star;
childly sacrificed
for a wish.
Lets go back
to when love was not a mystery
and mirror's spoke the truth.
When fish smelled terribly
and nutella was our gold.

MisterJack · 06-15-2008, 11:49 AM

Hey Martin. Enjoyed this for it's simplicity.
Upon first reading, the first 3 lines could be altered to avoid the stilted enjambment. Maybe omit 'a few days' and bring the 'to when the grass' into it's own line?

Just a thought for now

Jack

CMM_Kaleido · 06-16-2008, 11:47 PM

This was an enjoyable read. I particularly liked the detail of the teddy bear, produced a genuine tone.

I agree with MisterJack about the enjambment in the opening. Other than that just some nits that I am sure are English-as-a-second-language related:

just like the shooting star, ----Should be a comma because the following phrase is not a complete thought (clause or sentence). The phrase "childishly sacrificed for a wish" is modifying "shooting star."
childishly sacrificed ----I believe you mean childishly.
for a wish.

and mirrors spoke the truth. ----No apostrophe for the plural in this case.

Edgewise · 06-16-2008, 11:52 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Martin

Lets go back a few
days, to when
the grass was summer-green
and the snow was bulging
with carrot-smiling snowmen.
To when mother wanted to kiss
and father drove the car
up and down tickling hills,
- to grandma' and pa'.
And little sis' who often cried
because her stupid teddy-bears
were not meant to fly,
just like the shooting star;
childly sacrificed
for a wish.
Lets go back
to when love was not a mystery
and mirror's spoke the truth.
When fish smelled terribly
and nutella was our gold.

Good shit. I have nothing else to say.

lonewolf13 · 06-17-2008, 12:27 AM

First and last lines are "gold," but the rest needs reworking. Love the concept and feel.

Baron · 06-17-2008, 12:29 AM

This is a good work throughout, accepting the points made by CMM

vangoghsear · 06-17-2008, 09:53 AM

Good work. Very nostalgic. I did have to look up 'nutella' though.

jellyfish · 06-17-2008, 10:03 AM

Martin,

I enjoyed this one immensely. I'd agree with MisterJack's suggestion on the first three lines. The 'few days' part threw me at first because we jumped right into summer grass and snowmen. The few days limits you to one or the other - in my mind anyway. Take it out and it's great! I had to look up nutella, too.

Nice work.

J.R. MacLean · 06-17-2008, 10:15 AM

very good shit

needs a little ironing

''tickling hills' is brilliant

Mirror · 06-17-2008, 02:18 PM

Martin-

Enjoyed the piece. Assertively nostalgic, beckoning the reader to mentally revert to an earlier, possibly safer psychological stage.

Missing apostrophe in let's (L1 and L16) - contraction of let us.

I concur with Jack about the fractured enjambment in L1-L3.

Perhaps:

Let's go back a few days,
to when the grass
was summer-green

I wonder whether you could omit 'was' in L4:

and the snow was bulging

Nice work.

Best,
Mirror

Martin · 06-17-2008, 04:57 PM

So kindly received. Thank you all very much for reading and commenting. I'm very glad you liked it.

I changed the beginning a little, agreed it didn't read well. My intention with the line-break is to give "days" a more abstract feel. Also, I avoid repeating the beginning of line 2 in line 6, so I stuck with that.

Kaleido, "childly" was intended, I wanted to see the reaction, hehe.. Edited.

I made a few necessary and a few other edits. Also, I removed some superfluous words intended to give the piece more of a "tale-telling" style. I hope it improved.

Vangoghsear and Jellyfish, you guys have your peanut butter, here in Europe we have our nutella. I like both very much, though there is no doubt where my heart resides

Thanks all very much for reading.

Martin

Nutella

Let's go back a few,
days, to when the grass
was summer-green
and snow was bulging
carrot-smiling snowmen.
To when mother wanted to kiss
and father drove the car
up and down tickling hills,
- to grandma' and pa'.
And little sis' who often cried
because her stupid teddy-bears
were not meant to fly,
just like the shooting star,
childishly sacrificed
for a wish.
Let's go back
to when love was no mystery
and mirrors spoke the truth.
When fish smelled terribly
and nutella was our gold.

comic geek · 06-18-2008, 05:08 PM

this really "sweet", it rings true and i just love how honest it is.

Martin · 06-19-2008, 03:07 PM

Thanks alot comic geek, for the kind words.

/m