murdershewrote2005

She used to sit
on broken bridges
in the dead of night,
cigarette between her lips,
cold beer in hand,
flicking ashes into the river
like she owned the world.

Now,
she walks down busy streets
in the blazing sun,
skin stained blue,
grocery list in hand,
while the only mistake
she doesn’t regret
trails at her heels
like an afterthought.

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"If you live to be one hundred, I want to live to be one hundred minus one day so I never have to live without you." ~Winnie the Pooh~

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Mirror

Murder she wrote-

I would question the symmetry in this piece; other than offer a simple contrast, to me, it doesn't do much. The pivot that you took in S2 L6-9 strikes me as too vague and incongruent, and thus ineffective- something that I see frequently when the narrative curve is weak. I'd go back and flesh out the piece. Omit clichéd lines (S1 L3, S1 L7.), which only underpin the message, for starters. Then develop the character. Highlight the contrast between regrets and afterthought- that might be a profitable avenue. And, not least, describe the mistake. As it stands, that portion does not stem organically from the poem. I'm sorry for a negative review; I hope you find my suggestions helpful for the rewrite, however.

Best,
Mirror

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Selected poetry by Ariana Rink and John Williamson:

http://www.lulu.com/content/2956099