Unity Cult - Writers Forum

ShabookiSkittles · 06-02-2008, 05:13 AM

How will we survive forever
when mankind won't stand together?
Let us help each other--
brave the weather

Envision now
a peaceful land
The black and white
goes hand in hand
The world is a Yin and Yan
and we are shades of gray.

Tear down this wall
and burn the flag
then cross the boundaries
we once had--
Entwine yourselves
embrace each other
Love thy father
Love thy mother...
but not because
Big Brother's watching
simply help yourself

No skeletons
inside your wardrobe
Door's unlocked
and no one cares
A black man's trailer...
No one glares
and no one burns a cross
(or even knows what one looks like)

rainhands · 06-02-2008, 10:13 AM

Hi,

My initial impression was that the tone in this piece is too preachy for me to really engage.

The line breaks don't serve much purpose other than make the piece extremely choppy, the rhymes are forced, the meter stumbles a lot and the punctuation is inconsistent.

Sorry I couldn't be more positive. Perhaps try rewriting with a more defined narrator, use more imagery, etc. All the best,

rh