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| Poetry Poems, Haiku & Tanka etc. |
06-01-2008, 11:37 PM
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#1
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Profound Writer
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Chicago
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,349
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Business as Usual
Back to the normal throttle,
Rock bottom flotsam,
With an ounce of purity to knock out the hostiles,
Hostage to the two-timing knife in the back,
While the smell of apathy slowly wafts up the nostrils…
Pirated cable news is offering an answer,
Dancing around the party in eclectic banter,
Rewritten in obscure dialectic code,
Bought and sold for mere pennies,
Now it’s decrepit and old,
Useless yet priceless, we’d be delighted to relieve you of it,
Best believe the extent of our greed to obtain objectivism,
At the expense of perspective, unreceptive to nonsense,
Like the idea that there is no such thing as an essence.
__________________
How can you expect a man who's warm to understand a man who's cold?
- Solzhenitsyn "Ivan Denisovich"
Last edited by Edgewise : 06-02-2008 at 02:40 PM.
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06-02-2008, 12:06 AM
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#2
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Wordsmith
Join Date: May 2007
Location: On course
Gender: Male
Posts: 6,917
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Caught me in the early morning phase again, Edge. First impression, yet another good read. I'll be back.
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06-02-2008, 12:59 PM
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#3
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Profound Writer
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Chicago
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,349
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Looking forward to any further impressions Baron.
__________________
How can you expect a man who's warm to understand a man who's cold?
- Solzhenitsyn "Ivan Denisovich"
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06-02-2008, 01:15 PM
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#4
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Profound Writer
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Oxford
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,349
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The only bit I stumbled on was the repeat of 'answer'.
Liked the read, as always and a nice sharp message and upon a few reads, the rhythm feels tight.
Good one
Jack
__________________
If it claims to be God, eat it.
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06-02-2008, 02:38 PM
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#5
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Profound Writer
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Chicago
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,349
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Should have caught that repeat Jack. Thanks for highlighting it.
__________________
How can you expect a man who's warm to understand a man who's cold?
- Solzhenitsyn "Ivan Denisovich"
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06-02-2008, 07:01 PM
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#6
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Wordsmith
Join Date: May 2007
Location: On course
Gender: Male
Posts: 6,917
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I'm back as promised and have no crits, Edge. Another good piece.
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06-02-2008, 07:06 PM
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#7
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Profound Writer
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Chicago
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,349
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No crits? Wow. I'm on a roll baby.
Thanks guys.
__________________
How can you expect a man who's warm to understand a man who's cold?
- Solzhenitsyn "Ivan Denisovich"
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06-02-2008, 07:48 PM
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#8
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Wordsmith
Join Date: May 2007
Location: On course
Gender: Male
Posts: 6,917
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How was the trip?
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06-02-2008, 08:09 PM
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#9
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Profound Writer
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Chicago
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,349
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A lot of fun. Thanks for asking.
__________________
How can you expect a man who's warm to understand a man who's cold?
- Solzhenitsyn "Ivan Denisovich"
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06-02-2008, 08:24 PM
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#10
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Ink Slinger
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: Canada
Gender: Male
Posts: 3,817
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Quote:
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While the smell of apathy slowly wafts up the nostrils…
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This line felt a syllable too long to me.
I also was curious about your use of commas. It was always a comma at the end of every line, save the last of each stanza. Why never a period? Or just go on to the next line without the added punctuation. A line break is generally given a slight pause while reading.
For example,
Quote:
Now it’s decrepit and old,
Useless yet priceless, we’d be delighted to relieve you of it,
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I think a period would work well at the end of that first line quoted.
But I had a great time reading this, your rythm was especially well worked out. I look forward to reading more.
__________________
A minifridge... The doll house of the alcoholic.
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06-03-2008, 10:32 AM
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#11
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Profound Writer
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Oxford
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,349
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Edgewise
Should have caught that repeat Jack. Thanks for highlighting it.
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No problem ,reads much better to me now, Edgewise
Regards
Jack
__________________
If it claims to be God, eat it.
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