dont drink and drive - Writers Forum

babygirlmedia · 06-01-2008, 04:21 PM

hi all i would appreciate any comments on this poem please.... would be much apreciated. thank you.x

I inspire you not to drink and drive

I lay there still beside the road,
Unable to scream or shout for help.
I am only young, I’m not ready to die,
Somebody please help me please…
Pools of red liquid was flooding around my body,
Making me feel weak and lifeless.
What seemed like hours of fighting my death,
I finally see coloured flashes of light in a blur.
I hear voices of urgency surrounding me fast,
I was scared, cold, and unable to talk.
I could not make out what had happened to me,
And could no longer feel the pain as I lay there numb.
Suddenly I drift off through a sheet of white light,
Was I dreaming or had I lost my battle for life?
I was lucky enough to come back this time,
Although I suffer a lot of trauma and heartache each day.
Thanks to that drink driver who nearly killed me,
As they are not the ones who suffer and pay the price.
I hope I have inspired you all not to drink and drive,
Next time, somebody may not be as lucky as I was to survive.

©Jemma ozanne
17/05/2008

rainhands · 06-01-2008, 05:19 PM

Hi babygirlmedia,

This piece has a very heartfelt message, but unfortunately it doesn't work as a poem. The cases are muddled and there are some parts where the sentences don't make sense. At the beginning it's very melodramatic and telly, whilst towards the end it reads more like an essay than a poem.

Are you reading any contemporary poetry? I'd suggest camping out in the bookshop for a while and finding some stuff to really get your teeth into.

Hope some of these comments were helpful, and good luck with your writing,

rh

ross · 06-01-2008, 06:40 PM

There's a lot of raw expression there, no doubt directly from personal experience - or at least that how it felt.

As a poem it would benefit from a consistent meter or rythmn and it feels more like a draft than the finished thing.

An honest outpouring though, which is often a good thing for both reader and writer.

Thanks.

ross · 06-01-2008, 06:41 PM

One more thing... choose a larger and easier to read font. You'll get more critique if it's easy to read.

offbeatshelbi · 06-01-2008, 06:48 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ross

As a poem it would benefit from a consistent meter or rythmn and it feels more like a draft than the finished thing.

I have to agree.
Although it is well written, I don't get that poem vibe.

babygirlmedia · 06-02-2008, 04:40 AM

hi all and thankyou very much for all your comments i certainly taken them all on board. it is a draft and i was feeling very unsure about this poem which is why i felt i needed some opinions. I did nt feel it was `right` as such but i was unsure as to where. maybe i will take it away again and rework on it. i want it to be a meaningful heartfelt poem which has that message but as i felt to it was begining to sound even like an advert/tv piece rather than a poem. thankyou all again and i do appreciate your comments.

dannyboy · 06-02-2008, 06:00 AM

read poetry and some books on poetry and scrap this, its just one of those poems we all write in the beginning but its not worth working on.

Olly Buckle · 06-02-2008, 06:04 AM

Been there and done that a couple of times, so anyone who tries to raise awareness in this area has my support.
It didn't strike me as from personal experience. Firstly cars are a blunt instrument and so you tend to be injured without major cuts, no pools of blood round me either time, just broken bones and lots of pain, second when the coloured lights get there is when it all gets calm and ordered, before that there are people panicking and rushing about and it seems like you are holding on for ever, then there is suddenly someone who is in charge and has a calm controlled voice and you start to feel it might be ok after all.
"Can you sign the form and I'll give you something for the pain" "I can't hold the pen, I think my hand's broken" "Hold it in the other one, just make a mark, any thing, I would really like to give you this injection -- lovely, a little scratch". Next thing I knew I woke in hospital.
I have to agree with Rainhands it doesn't really work as a poem yet.
Grammatically, pools were, not was, and the line before that could do with a comma either side of the first "please".

babygirlmedia · 06-02-2008, 06:52 AM

i see what your saying, and thankyou again for all your comments. as i said this wasnt really working for me either and olly your right its not from apersonal experience, but when i meant pools of blood she had been knocked over pretty hard and hit her head on an object but looking back i cant expect readers to know this. i think i will scrap this and maybe stay away from this writing sort for awhile. I have written over thirty poems andi have had two published but i think this one was more of a experiment that didnt work! never mind thats the life of a writer i guess. we get our great work but sadly this did not fit in to that catergory. i do once again appreciate all your comments as it helps me alot either way. im still learning and i wont do if people dont comment properly. thankyou very much. appreciated kindly x