Nana - Writers Forum

jellyfish · 06-01-2008, 10:48 AM

Nana

The thought, it does hound,
that Nana got around.

Married at a mere fourteen,
she was never a prom queen.

The subject of those wagging tongues,
what did she do when she was young?

A neat house and yard she kept,
but for her choice in husband, she wept.

A drunkard lying in the street,
he did not help make ends meet.

A cook, she was, and for the Church,
Father, oh Father, did you leave her in the lurch?

Were there two men in her life?
Only one could make her his wife.

Oh, the children that she bore,
but, truly, was she a whore?

Most were fair skinned and freckled,
the one who wasn’t was sorely heckled.

A child unlike all the others,
people asked, were they really brothers?

Yes, of course, she cried.
Only God knows if she lied.

Grandchildren arrived and grew,
just how many, she never knew.

Throughout the country they did spread,
still multiplying, long after she was dead.

The question, it remains the same,
but should she really take the blame?

All are victims of their choices,
who would dare to raise their voices?

Baron · 06-01-2008, 02:09 PM

This might work better if you thought about writing it in free verse. It is potentially powerful but I feel it constricted by the rhyme scheme and places where it seems forced. The rhythm needs tidying, I suggest doing a syllable count and trying to even it.

Ilasir Maroa · 06-01-2008, 03:15 PM

I'm not a fan of couplets in general. I think the chosen format has caused most of the issues I have with the poem. First, the rhymes seem a bit contrived, and t's understandable considering the amount you had to come up with. The effort to put the rhymes at the end of each line has an effect similar to that of putting on lotus slippers. The syntax has suffereed greatly from deformities caused by the pressure of end-rhyme, and the rhythm as well has been caged. I think that quatrains or even free verse might be a better way to go with this.

The only other issue was the amount of rehtorical questions. I think they detract from the sincerity of the piece, and from the ability of the reader to make a personal connection.

rainhands · 06-01-2008, 06:23 PM

I agree with what people have said about writing this without rhyming. It takes a lot to make rhyming sound unforced, and you've also scewed the word order quite a lot in some places which doesn't help. Try a major revision without rhyme, concentrating on language, imagery, sonics, etc.

Good luck with any redrafting!

rh

jellyfish · 06-04-2008, 10:06 PM

Thanks everyone, for the comments. I have to say, I'm the last person to think the piece is a fantastic result. In it's defense, however, I did not alter the word order to get the rhymes. This is a piece that just popped into my head late one night as I was trying to fall asleep...so, I grabbed the notebook on the nightstand and wrote it down. The rhymes came virtually unbidden. The word order, sorry, but I like it. It is not a result of trying to rhyme. I was trying to take a rather serious subject and subject it to a little sing-song, nursery rhyme feel. I thought the contrast might play. Obviously, I was wrong.

Anyway, I'm still new to this form of writing and undaunted.

Thanks again for the comments. I do appreciate them.

jel

Mirror · 06-04-2008, 10:47 PM

Jellyfish-

Definite potential in this piece - Nana's splintered legacy. It's a powerful theme, which deserves a matching execution. The forced end-rhymes did not do the content justice. I would omit any clichéd lines that underpin the message, for starters (i.e. S1 L2, S2 L2, S5 L2, the entire end couplet); then, try writing this in free verse. Imagery would be a much more effective device than rhetorical questions - bring Nana's story alive to us. I would also work on the syntax. It seems unnecessarily inverted and thus stilted or simply confounded in various places (i.e. S1 L1) Another thing to consider: the poem strikes me as all-encompassing. You do focus on specific moments, yet they lapse into over-sweeping generalizations before you give them a chance to materialize. I hope you introduce a rewrite; the subject is worth it.

Best,
Mirror

jellyfish · 06-05-2008, 02:09 PM

Mirror,

Thanks for your comments. I actually toyed with the idea of ending this after S10. I think I'll go back to that on the rewrite which should limit the scope and tightened it up a bit.

jel

ms. vodka · 06-05-2008, 03:52 PM

perhaps you could consider putting it into a particular form... maybe a sestina?

it has potential and heart. i'm not going to discourage you from rhyme, but instead tell you that if you want it - just work to perfect your craft.

you'll get there.

jen

jellyfish · 06-05-2008, 04:09 PM

Ms. Vodka,

Thanks for reading. I rather like the idea of a sestina. That hadn't occurred to me before. That will take some time, but will defintely give me something to pay with. I'll repost when complete.

Thanks,

jel