cOnstanTmOtioN

Just something I threw together when I was a tad angry. Crits always welcomed.
-James

It is starting to rain.
I have a strong feeling
to go outside,
and stand still,
while my body absorbs
the downpour.

It smells so clean,
so fresh.
The droplets singe with my skin,
and each droplet
I can feel,
separately.

As my head tilts back,
I try to look
into the distance.
I can't.
My eyes.

For the downpour,
is so furious now,
that i can barely open them.

However,
I want to look.
I need to see-
what is going on?

But, I cannot.
Nevertheless,
I will stand here.
Blind.

I will not move,
no matter how great
the storm is.
No matter how bad,
it hurts.

It can’t rain forever.

cOnstanTmOtioN

bahahaha. great turnout.

rainhands

Hi Constand Motion,

I admit that when I saw you "threw this together when I was a tad angry", I wasn't all too inclined to spend my time reading and going over it. Poetry is a craft and deserves time and effort to be spent on it, not something to be thrown together quickly.

When the piece reaches:

However,

I want to look.
I need to see-
what is going on?

But, I cannot.
Nevertheless,
I will stand here.
Blind.

I will not move,
no matter how great
the storm is.
No matter how bad,
it hurts.

it feels like I'm prying into someone's diary rather than reading a poem.

Another point to consider is that short lines don't make poetry. Just to show you what I mean: It is starting to rain. I have a strong feeling to go outside, and stand still, while my body absorbs the downpour. It smells so clean, so fresh. The droplets singe with my skin, and each droplet I can feel, separately. It's very prosaic.

The last line was cliche, and I think that if you want the idea behind the poem to work then you'll have to come at it from a fresher angle.

What poets are you reading? Good luck with your writing,

rh

dannyboy

in places its structure just doesn't make sense.