Baron

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Garden of Kadesh

Oh, I love this. Great title too, such a good contrast.

The flow was almost flawless. The last part of the sixth stanza seemed to jar me out of the rhythm, it was too stretched out:

"who don’t even notice
____her pained,
____tear streaked face
________in the crowd,
________where Jill’s hoping
____for one
____living soul
________to appear."

I suggest that you revise this. It's like when a singer tries to cram in a bunch of lyrics when he misses a beat on accident.

Otherwise, this was great.

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"Some men are born mediocre, some men achieve mediocrity, and some men have mediocrity thrust upon them."

- Catch 22

Martin

Hey Baron

I am sorry but for me this is not up to your standards! Rythm-wise I have nothing to add, only that the "white space" style seems a little too intruding.
As for the context, I percieve the idea that the desirable life is the trendy, "Henries and horses" and sipping champagne, or at least it is for Jill! Anyway it doesen't comes off to me like she missed out on all that much, though her fear is well described..
As for the ending, the leap, seems like a fairytale suicide, which is quite paradoxical in itself!

Maybe I miss out on something, but I was not quite with you on this one..

Regards

/m

MisterJack

I'm with Martin in this one. It doesn't have the same oomph as your previous pieces and the repeat of 'Jill' grated. Also, the pauses did seem to stilt the flow a bit much in places, which I know is intentional but didn't suit this particular piece for me.

Will come back with something more concrete if it comes up.

Jack

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If it claims to be God, eat it.

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Baron

GoK: Glad that you liked this and I'll consider your suggestions.
Martin: You've completely misinterpreted this and I'm not sure if that's my bad or yours but it certainly gives me pause for thought about possible reworking.
Jack: I'll give some thought to what you're saying.

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Mermaid on the breakwater

There's something about this that really spaces me out. A bit like Alice in wonderland but very real at the same time. I am really impressed with what you've done here and think that the way the flow and imagery combines is really clean. Good work, Rob. I don't have any suggestions at the moment. If I have any at a later stage, I'll come back to you.

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Ambiance Artists Anthology: http://www.lulu.com/content/2293077

Baron

Your input is valuable and I appreciate it. I'm glad that this one worked for you.

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Mirror

Rob-

A delight to read. The title drew me in - it's counterintuitive.
The axially-placed strophe breaks catapult the aloofness of the self-immersed friend toward Jill's plight.

A few suggestion:

The two separate voices seem to merge in places, which may have accounted for Martin's misinterpretation. One particular spot that stands out is:

that Jill’s spoken
while quietly crumbling
____under

________her fears.


^ The control of pronouns - It might be less misguiding to specify under whose fears the friend crumbles - her own or Jill's - and also reevaluate the positioning of 'while' for the same purposes.

Moreover, I think, again, to avoid ambiguities, you might consider italicizing the part in which Jill's friends lapses into reminiscence, for it is a flashback, and thus a break in the narrative.

Thoroughly enjoyed.

Best,
Mirror

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Where the barmen have their names etched in salt; earthy and honest like their fathers. -- MisterJack

jellyfish

Baron,

This was very good. I loved the flow and rhyme of it. I wouldn't change anything.

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jellyfish

just another day in paradise

Martin

Hey Baron.
I am sorry for misinterpreting and leaving such a comment.

/Martin

Baron

Mirror: Thanks as always for your input.
Jellyfish: Glad this one worked for you.
Martin: No worries.

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Mermaid on the breakwater

Having read this a few times, I am coming to appreciate it as a really great narrative of a breakdown.

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Ambiance Artists Anthology: http://www.lulu.com/content/2293077

Baron

Thanks again.

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