MisterJack

The Cliché Twisted World Of Beryl Bethyn






__Beryl Bethyn
___bag lady
bumps her cart through Finsbury Park
with sparrows in her hat
_________________she sat
with crumbs of bread
upon her tattered skirt
____and bitter
_______twisted
memories of hurt
______from handsome Jack
as he attacked his way
in to her world of glory
__________so the story goes
with bedroom antics
______________frantic
and occasionally
_______fists would fly
_________but she could not deny
her love for him
___despite his sins
so married into bumps
_____________and bruises
as he uses bits of wood
from broken tables
to reiterate his hatred
for her glamour-puss
_________weekends away
until the day that she hit back
_______and whacked him
_________with a telephone
____________directory
then popped down
_______to the rectory
to tell her lover-priest
what she had done
and thus began
______the life of Beryl
as the lady who fed birds by day
__________________in Finsbury Park
and then lay down beneath the bridge
______at dead of night
she’d pull her trolley close
___________and huddle tight
against the lifeless corpse
______________of husband Jack
and when the smell gets bad
______she turns her back
___________________on him
just like she should have done
____the first day
______fists went
________WHACK












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__________________
If it claims to be God, eat it.

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Baron

Jack, I would drop all the telling occurences of "bag lady" in this, paticularly the first one. Let the reader discover that from the poem. This one is particularly well conceived and is worth spending some time on.

__________________

Martin

Hey Jack.

I find many of your poems on this site to be creative and with very good imagery; In that context I am little bored by this one! I think it tells the story well, but it doesen't contribute with anything new under the sun (is that a danish expression?).
The ending/conclusion is also clichè..

It's a good read, but it seems a little too easy for you to pull it off..

I hope my comments fall in good earth (is that another danish expression?).

cheers
/m

MisterSpider

Yep, with some pruning this would be very good. I questioned some of the line breaks and spaces and would almost like to see some of the lines combined. There seems to be a disconnect between the title and the woman. Why cliche? I wonder.


A lot better than most of the stuff on here, though.

__________________
Darling, we love you.