Martin

So grows the forest
with lifely hope
for survival.
Camouflages
parrot's flight, snake's strike.
Spares guerrilla fares.

__At night

The forest is dark.
A still light - mixed chemicals
in crawling eight-legged's eyes,
a last time.
Like an emerald, trapped
in humans lap.
Beautiful and condemned.

Like with green so is blue,
the ocean, the sky open
and fresh bruises.

Asphodelus

I like it, it jumps around a bit but the overall idea of basing it on a color is cool. I'm not sure how I feel about how you broke up the first three lines, but overall the structure is unique yet good.

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rainhands

Ooo, protect the apostrophes!

Martin

Thanks for reading..

Asphodeles: Why not the three first lines?

NOTE: I edited a small bit. Only the "light's" an "emerald's" to singular and particular.. and removed last line ("relative too").

MisterJack

I think now that you've changed a few of the apostrophes, it's a much more solid piece of writing, Martin. I do think you could consider removing the apostrophe in 'chemical's', though.

I liked the colours and the references and, as usual, enjoyed reading your thoughts.

Good job

Jack

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Martin

Thanks Jack. I removed a few more of the apostrophes. I think I'm getting the hang of it now.

I changed the last line again. Simple removed "too" and added "and".

Based on the comments it seems that my intended point with this one don't go through, or maybe it is too easily overlooked. Oh well, that leaves me something to work with.

Thanks to all for reading.

/m

rainhands

Sorry I only stopped by with such a quick comment last time.

The main problem I had with this piece was that I couldn't really follow it, or understand what I was supposed to come away with at the end, other than a random collage of unconnected images.

So grows the forest
with lifely hope *lifely should be lively
for survival. *the line breaks aren't doing much work - they make it extremely choppy.
Camouflages
parrot's flight, snake's strike. *how does this idea progress from the image that came before?
Spares guerrilla fares. *I don't understand this line

__In night *At night might sound better? Why is this line indented and on it's own?

The forest is dark. *It's sort of expected that night brings darkness, so this line is redundant
A still light - mixed chemicals *It was dark, now it's light -- contradictory. I'm thinking at this point "why the mixed chemicals? huh?"
in crawling eight-legged's eyes,
a last time. *A last time for what?
Like an emerald, trapped
in human's lap.
Beautiful and condemned. *These last three lines again are an abrupt turn that don't seem to fit.

Like with green so is blue,
the ocean, the sky open
and fresh bruises. *I like the idea of the last line, but I'm unconvinced as to the significance of saying "green is like blue". It seems to undermine the idea of writing a poem with a title "green", if you see what I mean.

I think you need to organise your ideas more, and work out what is really at the heart of the poem/what is dragging it back. At the moment I'm not really sure what's going on or why. Sorry for a negative crit, but I hope some of these comments are useful to you.

All the best,

rh

Mirror

Martin-

A gentle and plaintive tone.

I think 'lifely' (as opposed to 'lively') may have been an intentional manipulation on your part to convey convey life as anima, flora, fauna and not as merriment or vigor - connotations that would most likely be associated with 'lively'.

To me, this piece voices concern and fretfulness for the forest's viability (It ties in with 'bruises' at the end, although I think you could better integrate that metaphor so that it stems organically from the previous verses. If you used 'bruises' only as a juxtaposition, then I feel it is too spare. Perhaps, devote the ocean and sky just as much attention as the forest.)

As for apostrophes, they are used either for possessives or contractions; thus, I am glad you removed the misused ones.

'At night' reads more like natural English, as rain hands noted above.

The lines below appear a bit clunky to me:

mixed chemicals
in crawling eight-legged's eyes,
a last time.

(I'm not entirely sure what you mean there; if I was, I could probably offer a suggestion on how to rewrite the verse I underlined in a clearer way.)

I really like the comparison of the forest as an emerald trapped in a lap - but I recommend you remove the apostrophe, not because it is incorrectly used but because you are not referring to a specific human, I don't think - more likely just to the fact that it is a human lap.

Best,
Mirror

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ross

Liked lots of this but, for me, these points needed looking at.

Spares guerrilla fares. (Where did they come from? What guerrillas? What context)

__In night (In night? In? That's an odd choice of words... why "in night"?)

The forest is dark. (Yep... doesn't work with what you have written and is a wasted oportunity to say somethingmore meaningful)

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Martin

Rainhands, Mirror and Ross, thanks alot for the interesting comments.

My point with this piece is simply to demonstrate the duality of everything, by the simple example of a color, in this case green. I try throughout to keep the reference to green; ex: hope, parrots, snakes, and in general the nature and a forest is the obvious choises to work with.

"Lifely" ---it is, as I thought..

"Spares guerrilla fares."

---To add some duality to the green forest. Guerilla activity in Columbia is more or less based on the forests.

"In night"

---Maybe it should be "A night", only that "In" clings better in my ear, but also, as a reference to the next stanza and an event! I will edit though.

"The forest is dark."

---Again, duality - green is gone.

"A still light - mixed chemicals
in crawling eight-legged's eyes,
a last time."

---This one is maybe too hard - it's a firefly caught in a spiders web. And as a reference, the light of a firefly is also slightly green.

"Like an emerald, trapped
in humans lap."

---Mirror, it is the firely I'm refering to as an emerald, but I liked your idea of the forest very much. Futhermore, an emerald is green and thus it's to use "green" as human greediness..

Last stanza is to emphasize my point, by quickly comparing greens dualities to blues. I guess it should be made clearer some other way. Or, maybe it is okay as it is, as the dualities often is something we humans overlook!

Thanks again to all for taking their time with this. Much appreciated.

/m

Mirror

Martin-

The edits have improved this piece.

A few additional comments after reading your explanation:

Do the colors you have chosen convey the duality?
First to all, green and blue are not bipolar opposites. Perhaps, black or white may have worked better to that effect, but that would have been too simple. Green and blue lie close on the light spectrum; thus, this poem gave me a feeling of enmeshment between the forest and the overhanging sky- perhaps, a point where the two colors fuse.

Then, my mind made the connection between that and the bruises- a marred peacefulness, an impending threat (Even the firefly-in-a-spider's- web image, now that you've explained it, seems to suggest that).

Changing the title from Green to Duality would lend the poem more scope, for Green alone works unilaterally.

Replacing 'so' in S1 L1 with 'green' would also give you a framework against which you can juxtapose.

Then, I suggest you develop the description of blue to make the perceptual contrast more plausible. Keep it to the forest terrain, and perhaps introduce a lake or a lagoon and the entailing particularities.

Finally, back the spider-and-firefly image: As is stands, it seems an anomaly- something that does not quite befit the theme, especially the part about the firefly on the human lap (which to me suggests either support or fall, not duality.) I recommend you integrate that image into the theme, somehow - give it a reason for reference. Or if you have used it to give the piece another dimension, then make that dimension more palpable.

Again, I like the piece and how it has evolved.
I hope you find my comments helpful.

Best,
Mirror

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Martin

Thank you very much Mirror. These comments are extremly helpfull, not only for this piece but for a general learning. Much appreciated.

Martin

CMM_Kaleido

I am coming to this piece late, but as of this reading (after your edits) I had no criticisms. I believe I am developing more of a taste for non-literal word use and ambiguous but fresh connections. Having said that, I am fairly certain Mirror is always right.

I actually had no problem getting themes of destruction of the rain forest, including the guerrilla activity (although I didn't know that detail about them being based in the forests, the connection was clear). I thought 'mixed chemicals' referred to drug production and the 'spider' a rain forest metaphor (seen enough nature specials to know the insect life in the rain forests is spectacular) for the people involved in drug trafficking.

While I did not know that 'lifely' is a word, I am not sure it is the word you intended. Lifely means in a life-like manner, while lively is "full or suggestive of life or vital energy." I do like Mirror's description of your intention for lifely--I read something similar into the word--but others may have trouble with its oddity.

I think S2, L6 may still have a grammar/apostrophe issues:

in humans lap

in a human's lap
---singular possessive
in human laps
---plural

All in all, I enjoyed the read. The perspective on the topic was vibrant and open: an introduction to the forest with a glimpse of both beauty and struggle.

Martin

Thank you Kaleido, nice to get your comment on this also.

The firefly caught in a spiders web is an actual experience I had, and I was amazed by the mix of beauty and cravings of nature in it. I was hoping the "mixed chemicals" would hint it, and maybe it does, but for biologists only, hehe..

Also, I was divided between "lively" and "lifely" as I wrote it, because the meaning I knew from "lively" was not quite what I aimed for. It was more, as Mirror suggests, to relate to the living forest.

I considered the "human laps" as well when I wrote, and to be honest I'm still uncertain on this line. It is supposed to be humans in general, but the reference to the firefly suggest that the emerald is singular, therefor "laps" must also be singular. Or must it? Hehe, I'm not sure at all..

Thanks again.

/m

vangoghsear

I like the primordial feel of the piece and the color.

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