Damien.

.

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Come down down, they'll say,
But everything looks perfect from far away.
Come down down, but we'll stay.

Damien.

.

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Come down down, they'll say,
But everything looks perfect from far away.
Come down down, but we'll stay.

Baron

A good self critic? I agree with your take nut that doesn't mean that it doesn't work. The most effective lines in most poems, from he reader's persepctive, are the first and last. If you give some thought to those and come up with more original alternatives then you could lift up the rest of the poem.

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