butterfly - Writers Forum

Sonata · 05-29-2008, 02:31 AM

It scares me that my
Happiness is locked
Between your hands
It is frightening to know
How well you know me
And how little I know
About you
My heart, like a bird plume,
Left to your mercy
My thoughts are an open book
You browse
Ridicule
Expose flames of
Helplessness
And I just want
To free myself from you
To run away
From your ever-controlling eye
To kill this obsession
I didn’t choose you

Didn’t choose you.

Dimes · 05-29-2008, 08:36 AM

I enjoyed the flow/rhythm and the visuals, ie. "My thoughts are an open book/ You browse/ Ridicule". That one was my favorite.

Sonata · 05-29-2008, 11:45 AM

thanks. I appreciate =]

MisterSpider · 05-29-2008, 11:58 AM

In order for this to work, you need to take yourself out of the poem. Not completely out, but enough so that I don't feel like I'm prying into a diary entry. You have an audience so make them want to read it. There are plenty of poems out there just like yours, so make me chose yours over all the other disposable pieces.

Scrap this and do something better.

Sonata · 05-29-2008, 12:14 PM

First, thanks for commenting. Means alot.

now, basically you're telling me to forget about "art for art" and embrace "art for people" if I want this to work, interesting. You have a good point here, since I chose to publish my poems. So let me ask you a question- how can I have in mind the audience while I write a song and with that manage to stay true to myself?
I never wrote a poem thinking what readers will think of it...

MisterSpider · 05-29-2008, 04:35 PM

Every good poet has a voice heard even when pandering to an audience. But I'm surprised you're surprised you've never thought or heard this. It's an essential part of any art.

Sonata · 06-01-2008, 12:14 PM

I am surprised. I always been told the most important thing in art is to be true only to your self. Let feelings come out as clean and pure as they can, 'cause otherwise what comes out will sound insincere, so readers wont like it.
That's why I'm asking you how can I be true to myself and at the same time try to please readers.

mybigboots · 06-01-2008, 03:16 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MisterSpider

Scrap this and do something better.

I can't agree. I thought this poem was accomplished. It wasn't remarkable but it was good. I don't understand what is wrong with 'self' inhabiting the poem. Plath's poetry was confessional, Hughes often took that tone. Its just a question of taste.

Surely poetry is the one form of writing where pure expression is possible without one eye on market or audience.

I liked it.

rainhands · 06-01-2008, 03:54 PM

Quote:

I never wrote a poem thinking what readers will think of it...

Poetry is written for the reader, not the poet - otherwise why post it or try to get it published? The whole point, surely, is to try to cause the reader to feel something. So how can you not think about the reader when you're writing?

As for the poem, I quite liked the idea behind the first three lines, but after that it quickly spirals into the journal-entry-esque. Also the metaphors in this piece are really muddled: first N is a trapped butterfly, then their heart is a bird plume, then their thoughts are an open book, then they're trying to run away. There's no logical progression.

I would suggest taking one idea (e.g. concentrating on the butteryfly theme) and trying to build it up using more sensory imagery -- bringing more freshness to the subject.

Good luck with this,

rh

Sonata · 06-03-2008, 09:04 AM

Hey boots, thanks. =] Glad you liked it. Good is enough for me since i just started writing. I hope i'll get better =]
----

rh- "Poetry is written for the reader, not the poet - otherwise why post it or try to get it published?"

I publish them so I can see what people think about them. It doesnt mean that I must find ways to please readers... I write a poem, publish it and if anyone liked it so it's all good if not, well.. still good. I don't write for poeple, I write because i like it. I publish what I write just for the sake of sharing. Nothing else. I'm not tending to become a great famus writer. I'm just a girl that likes to write.

"metaphors in this piece are really muddled" - otherwise it wouldnt be interesting, would it? =] i can't seem to understand what is your problem here. If I'll stick to one metaphor it will sound boring. I like mixing different metaphors and create from them a song. I don't see how is this ruining the piece.

Anyways, thanks for commenting.

Have a nice day you all! =]