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| Poetry Poems, Haiku & Tanka etc. |
05-28-2008, 05:39 PM
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#1
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Prolific Writer
Join Date: May 2008
Location: in a red volvo
Gender: Male
Posts: 485
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it's like a drug
weakness of the universe,
always stay inside,
evolving in reverse,
never want to die,
withdrawal takes me in a hearse,
you need it to survive.
you built the ugly beast,
brick by deadly brick,
its slowly making you it's feast,
escaping only makes you sick.
trapped between addiction and liberation,
both will kill us all,
devouring nation by nation,
an entire race will fall.
Are you happy now?
look at all we've done.
natural selection gone foul,
there is nowhere to run.
i can never tell if my writing is understandable at all. sometimes it is all made up of metaphors, sometimes it is plain as day. id like to know which, if you cannot think of any other feedback.
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05-29-2008, 08:43 AM
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#2
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Profound Writer
Join Date: Mar 2008
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,325
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I love it, but I might be biased.
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To forget one's purpose is the commonest form of stupidity. - Friedrich Nietzsche
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05-29-2008, 08:49 AM
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#3
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Prolific Writer
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Unsettled
Gender: Male
Posts: 309
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In this poem I find a mix between some "plain" lines, or let's call them conclusions, and metaphor's.
Your message go through to me, though, personally I'm not a fan of this kind of pessimistic way of thinking. But of course, that is on the context.
/m
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05-29-2008, 11:52 AM
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#4
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Prolific Writer
Join Date: Jan 2005
Posts: 203
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This is just a bunch of vague lines set to forced rhymes. Please tell me how I am any more enlightened after reading this. Even if it was nonsense, it would still need to sound good or evoke interesting images to justify existing. Sorry, but this has neither.
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Darling, we love you.
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05-29-2008, 12:03 PM
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#5
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Prolific Writer
Join Date: May 2008
Location: in a red volvo
Gender: Male
Posts: 485
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MisterSpider
This is just a bunch of vague lines set to forced rhymes. Please tell me how I am any more enlightened after reading this. Even if it was nonsense, it would still need to sound good or evoke interesting images to justify existing. Sorry, but this has neither.
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it's not nonsense, its just hard to understand.
explaining would ruin it. i think. im not sure. anyway im not going to risk it.
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05-29-2008, 04:36 PM
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#6
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Prolific Writer
Join Date: Jan 2005
Posts: 203
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Fine, it's perfect. Just like everything your pen will ever touch.
__________________
Darling, we love you.
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