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| Poetry Poems, Haiku & Tanka etc. |
05-28-2008, 05:35 PM
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#1
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Prolific Writer
Join Date: Jan 2005
Posts: 203
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the Terrible Game of Lacrosse
...
__________________
Darling, we love you.
Last edited by MisterSpider : 06-04-2008 at 07:14 PM.
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05-29-2008, 01:27 AM
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#2
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Prolific Writer
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: portland
Gender: Female
Posts: 458
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hey i remember you.
and that last line is a killer.
fun read.
and that's never a bad thing.
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05-29-2008, 11:54 AM
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#3
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Prolific Writer
Join Date: Jan 2005
Posts: 203
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thanks, I remember you too
__________________
Darling, we love you.
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05-31-2008, 01:38 PM
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#4
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Profound Writer
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Oxford
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,349
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This was an enjoyable read, Misterspider.
Especially liked the word 'doltmongers'. Nice! Wasn't too keen on the 'in' and 'or' line breaks, but the rhythm works well for me and it was, as I've already stated, a good fun read.
Thanks for sharing
Jack
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If it claims to be God, eat it.
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05-31-2008, 08:05 PM
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#5
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Writer
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Ohio
Gender: Male
Posts: 43
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I smiled. Love the puns, and yeah, the last line pwned.
The only thing I would consider changing is the second-to-last line in the first stanza. The repetition is just a bit awkward.
__________________
Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no one's definition of your life, but define yourself. - Harvey S. Firestone
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06-01-2008, 02:09 AM
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#6
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Best Seller
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: twenty-two
Gender: Private
Posts: 723
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light hearted and funny, with a moral twisting that makes me smile
i like repetition technique and i also like to see others explore it
kudos !
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06-01-2008, 07:38 AM
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#7
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Adept Writer
Join Date: Nov 2007
Gender: Female
Posts: 786
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MisterSpider-
Enjoyed the read. I concur with Jack about enjambment on non-inflected words, which fractures the thoughts, yet I understand the reason for its use - not to compromise the rhyme scheme. The end rhymes, though not particularly inventive, seem to have stemmed naturally, and do not appear contrived at all. Enjoyed the puns and the apt whimsical tone. Nice work!
Best,
Mirror
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06-01-2008, 09:53 PM
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#8
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Addict
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Maryland
Gender: Female
Posts: 100
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Although I do love (to watch) a good game of lacrosse, I enjoyed reading your insights on the game and what it overshadows.
__________________
Life is lighter when you shed your leaves,
better when you nurture your branches,
and more fulfilled when you strengthen your roots.
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06-02-2008, 09:26 PM
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#9
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Prolific Writer
Join Date: Jan 2005
Posts: 203
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Oh thank you everyone. And Zorell, of course you like watching lacrosse, you're from merry land.
__________________
Darling, we love you.
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