Asphodelus

It’s so hot the sweat’s sticking to my hair
Despite it my mind continues to flare
All the desperate longing of kids past gone
The need to be more than another pawn
Of a government that won’t speak to me
That won’t understand all that I can see
I’m stuck in a suburban present tense
With all of these ideas that don’t make sense
On my shoulders balance a million mouths
That follow me, no way to escape south
I must keep my brothers elsewhere alive
I must help my worldly sisters survive
It’s up to our generation to thrive
We’re the inspiration that has to drive
The populace into a state of care
To realize problems are the world’s to share
Listen when I feel like I’m gonna cry
Listen when the world cries out, “We will die!”
Don’t be confused, don’t be taken or shy
You’ve gotta hang on, let those ideas fly
I can’t promise a better tomorrow
I can’t promise a world without sorrow
But I can still dream and with worlds I write
I can mask the hurt, distract for a night.

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"All right...I'm glad it's a girl. And I hope she'll be a fool — that's the best thing a girl can be in this world, a beautiful little fool."- Daisy

Asphodelus

Inspired by 9pm heat and "Let the Drummer Kick" by Citizen Cope.
Haha

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"All right...I'm glad it's a girl. And I hope she'll be a fool — that's the best thing a girl can be in this world, a beautiful little fool."- Daisy

Baron

This reads very like rap to me.

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Pete_C

I get the feeling that at times you have allowed the message to be contorted by the need to find a rhyme. On occasions that can be forgiven if it's a worthwhile rhyme, but few of these are.

I'd try writing it again with emphasis on the message rather than on the rhymes.

Asphodelus

It was meant to sound a bit like a rap, though I'm not really into rap music myself. Like I said, it was based off a song that has all of these different genres incorporated in it, one of them being rap.

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"All right...I'm glad it's a girl. And I hope she'll be a fool — that's the best thing a girl can be in this world, a beautiful little fool."- Daisy

Asphodelus

I tend to have that problem with the few poems I do rhyme, and that's why I tend to stay away from it. Thanks for the insight.

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"All right...I'm glad it's a girl. And I hope she'll be a fool — that's the best thing a girl can be in this world, a beautiful little fool."- Daisy

Martin

Hi Asphodelus

I enjoy this and especially how you turn the view-point in the end. I very much agree with you in these words. Only that the very last words "a night" can seem a bit off!!

I also agree with Pete the rhyming is a bit forced at times, but it still reads nicely to me.

small nit - second last line, worLds should be words..

cheers

/m