Garden of Kadesh

This is a rough draft of an idea that popped into my head, comments appreciated.

The Cyberpunk Dream

Wandering wayward in the headache gray miasma;
a twilight filth colored softly golden by lamp posts -
the ragged passerby crawl among the skyscrapers
like insects through monstrous blades of grass.
Crass comments spill from them like vomit
Depraved and deprived, they've never known better.

The rich reside on the upper platforms
Sipping soma as they watch sunsets
Whilst the poor toil below in the chaos
Lifting the sunny world on sore shoulders
as they look down upon the poison sludge
saving money for a rare "surface" trip
The "surface", though obscured by cloudy smog
Glows like a beacon, a chance to escape
(or a lantern luring ships to the rocks)

Below the penthouse society, a beggar crawls
in the pitch black basement of a market place building
dirt covered face, huddling for warmth with greasy comrades
near the forbidden elevator
Hoping an offworlder will come down
And throw them some food or some money
Or maybe get in the way of their knives

A young child on the lowest city level
stands in the street, looking up to the sky
dreaming of real light past the pollution
the sun is replaced by the glow of ads
mounted on the buildings all around him
his life is hopeless, swirling red madness
an animal lost in the cyberpunk
of a massive, decaying metal land
the progress of man had left man behind

an old woman lives on floor eight hundred sixty five
a modest apartment, littered with meagre scraps
scavenged items; metal trinkets and rusty machine parts
hoping to build a better future
rise to floor eight hundred sixty nine
she hates the refuse that lives below

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"Some men are born mediocre, some men achieve mediocrity, and some men have mediocrity thrust upon them."

- Catch 22

MisterJack

I've read this a couple of times now and I really like it
The images and the feeling of disgust. So wonderfully crafted.
Although
It has to be said it is very much more like prose than poetry. That doesn't in any way detract from the work, just depends what you want the piece to do I guess. And, if you had have posted it as prose in another area, I would have missed it so I'm gratefull you didn't.
As for thorough critique? Well, I'd trim down a bit and cut much of the prose feeling but I won't comment further until you come back with your intentions if that's ok.

Again, a really good piece of writing , for me at least.

btw, LOVED the last stanza

Kind regards

Jack

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If it claims to be God, eat it.

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Garden of Kadesh

Thanks for reading.

I was a little worried that it would read too much like prose. There are a few poetic devices sprinkled in there, but the (intended) main distinguishing factor is its syllabic pattern/meter. It uses 3 patterns and is nearly impossible to notice unless you're looking for it. I was trying to establish a unique flow, but I guess it came out too subtle/stretched.

Don't worry about a thorough critique though , I'm just looking for the little stuff.

__________________
"Some men are born mediocre, some men achieve mediocrity, and some men have mediocrity thrust upon them."

- Catch 22

Baron

I find that the assonance and consonance in this piece of work distinguishes it. I have no real crits at this time but have simply enjoyed the read. I may be back with more to say.

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Ilasir Maroa

Maybe a little heavy on the strict alliteration, but otherwise an enjoyable read.

__________________
My hopeful book:
Crap! Haven't posted it anywhere yet, darn!
"Only tyranny cloaks itself in shadows. The light of justice can not be hidden."

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