Forever and a Day - Writers Forum

elizabeth_472 · 05-26-2008, 03:15 PM

Forever and a Day

I was your eternal sunshine.

Jumping—always, always, faster, faster
suspended in the air, over the rope
frozen in time,
falling to Earth, and up and away again.

Constantly eating
an ice cream sandwich
melting over my lips
chocolate lips I press into you.

Laughing, singing, the suave lullaby
“Forever and ever and ever and ever.”
throwing stars into your eyes,
vanquishing your dark spots with my light.

And then one day,
I died.

Baron · 05-28-2008, 03:45 AM

I enjoyed reading this up to the last line. The "I died" doesn't work for me. I would suggest putting elipsis after "and then one day" and closing there.

Pete_C · 05-28-2008, 04:22 AM

For me, the opening doesn't fully convey that happy-go-lucky mood I think you're trying to create. Then the switch is followed by nothing. Tell us something we want to know. Maybe consider the impact of that final statement. Does it raise an issue, a question, a target of blame? I just found it a bit "so what?".

rksingh · 05-28-2008, 05:58 AM

I agree with what Baron says about the last line: 'I died' doesn't seem to go well with the rest of the poem.
R K

apple · 05-28-2008, 11:50 AM

I enjoyed reading your poem. It tells a heartbreaking story. The repeating "always, always" " forever, ever, ever" drives to the core of a mother's love and heart. Almost like a tight hug or squeeze. I understand the ending, the last line. It would still be as powerful, as Baron said, to remove that line. To me, a powerful piece, elizabeth.

apple

Ilasir Maroa · 05-28-2008, 02:06 PM

The abstracts aren't bad, but there is a lack of concrete images in my opinion. Now, if this lack allowed for the happy mood before the turn, it might have worked for me, but at best it leaves only a vague sense of the intended emotion. I've found "vauge" to be rarely good.

elizabeth_472 · 05-28-2008, 08:10 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Baron

I enjoyed reading this up to the last line. The "I died" doesn't work for me. I would suggest putting elipsis after "and then one day" and closing there.

Doesn't that kind of change the meaning of the poem?

Ilasir Maroa · 05-28-2008, 09:14 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by elizabeth_472

Doesn't that kind of change the meaning of the poem?

That depends entirely on the interpretation of the reader; it may or may not. But it definitely implies that the people became seperated, and the most obvious conclusion is death, and since it's from the woman's perspective, her death. THe mother is essentially the subject of all the verbs, or the "agent", if you want to go deeper. Thus, implying a further event, it can be assumed that she is again the subject of the verb, and considering the life/joy imagery, sadness/death is the obvious reversal.

elizabeth_472 · 05-29-2008, 06:15 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ilasir Maroa

That depends entirely on the interpretation of the reader; it may or may not. But it definitely implies that the people became seperated, and the most obvious conclusion is death, and since it's from the woman's perspective, her death. THe mother is essentially the subject of all the verbs, or the "agent", if you want to go deeper. Thus, implying a further event, it can be assumed that she is again the subject of the verb, and considering the life/joy imagery, sadness/death is the obvious reversal.

What mother?

DENNISM65 · 05-30-2008, 11:23 AM

I assumed this was a child and his or her mother or father. I assumed the child is the story teller and then dies. Kind of too quick sad ending. Needs more in my opinion.

Ilasir Maroa · 05-30-2008, 05:10 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by elizabeth_472

What mother?

Lol, the imagery reminds me of the kinds of thing a mother would say to a child, so that's how I interpreted it; obviously, as I look back, it could just as easily be two lovers(in the general sense), which perhaps was your intent? But as long as there are two people involved, my comments apply to the speaking person.

elizabeth_472 · 05-31-2008, 10:52 AM

Okay, thanks for the commens. I'll consider.