Nothing Is As Loud As An Exploding Child - Writers Forum

MisterJack · 05-26-2008, 12:09 PM

Nothing Is As Loud As An Exploding Child

Children toss coins into wells
sand in their shoes
as the caterpillar tracks turn earth,
metal grinding past with prowess
while the linen wrapped fathers
tend to pails of water-
quench the thirst of misery.

Someone’s son throws blackjacks
among the scorpion nests;
counts the hours of hunger
and weighs his chains in plastic bags
gripped like legs of lamb
through sun baked, fractured skin.

Tears of oil rape framework;
pillage windless streets
as robes become discarded,
replaced with straps of steel
where message men lose fingers
to teeth that bait the seeds.

Priceless marriage harvested,
reaped through black and green
where bullets burn the eyeballs
of boys who dream the free
or flock to be their fathers;
imploded by indignity.

Marrow rots in sunlight
as sheets flap through the smoke;
these fallen men now lifeless
their looking glasses scattered
where once they wailed for mercy,
they now call pleas through greed.

Dust settles hard in soft places
and clogs the eyes of finance--
rips the spleens from heartless men
as spades churn sand for diesel;
crafted barrels filled to burst
with the blood of one too many.

Now the boys dance blindfolded;
machines bake through the clay
as clockwork sticks cry freedom
they watch their fathers melt
and sting the green incursion
with flesh - their final word.

.

Baron · 05-26-2008, 12:25 PM

a great protest narrative in this one. I really have no crits primarily because I am sympathetic to the theme.

I suggest that you feed your inspiration with a listen to Roger Waters' "Leaving Beirut". It's unfortunate that the video doesn't inlude the poetry, it had at least one lady of my aquaintance in tears when she read the lyric but that's an aside.

This is a good work, Jack.

lin · 05-26-2008, 01:03 PM

Very nice.

One question I would have is why the indented, italicized line. It's not particularly salient, and the device isn't repeated to give it any contextual weight.

I'd suggest "normalizing" that line... I think it draws attention to a place where there is nothing to see.

MisterJack · 05-26-2008, 01:41 PM

Baron: Thank you for the positive comment. We share the same views in this issue I think, so....
Thank you for the links, I do know the song but haven't read the lyrics through properly before. Pretty heavy stuff!
Thanks again.

Lin: thanks for popping in for the comment. I appreciate the kind words and the suggestion. I agree about that line, so have adjusted accordingly.
Thank you

Thanks to both of you so far for comments.

Kind regards

Jack

Amadeus · 05-26-2008, 03:05 PM

"Children toss coins into wells" - after that unspeakably trite opening, you know the rest can be at best risible. Only, it isn't funny. For Gawd's sake man, think how words sound. leave poetry to those who can use it, enthuse it, enhance it, not X-factor wannabees who would destroy it. Yer mildness distresses me. There are no redeeming feeatures. Cheers, ya patty bourgy sycophant.
Is this flaming!

lin · 05-26-2008, 07:58 PM

Holy cats! And people say I'M a jerk.

MisterJack · 05-27-2008, 10:56 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Amadeus

Is this flaming!

Is that a question?
If so, I wouldn't say so no, but it raised a smile nonetheless. Interesting........

Thank you all so far for reading

Regards

Jack

Garden of Kadesh · 05-27-2008, 02:31 PM

Wow, I believe that man called you a "patty bourgy sycophant".

Anyway...
When I first read the title I thought that this was going to be some kind of black humor poem. I've been reading too much Vonnegut.

Like Baron, I don't have much to say. Good rhythm and language - but hell, I suppose that's not important when you're dealing with a message like this.

MisterJack · 05-28-2008, 10:26 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Garden of Kadesh

Wow, I believe that man called you a "patty bourgy sycophant".

So it goes.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Garden of Kadesh

Anyway...
When I first read the title I thought that this was going to be some kind of black humor poem. I've been reading too much Vonnegut.

Like Baron, I don't have much to say. Good rhythm and language - but hell, I suppose that's not important when you're dealing with a message like this.

Thank you for reading, GoK. I don't know quite what it is with Vonnegut, but I just started reading 'Slaughterhouse 5' and since, I see his name all over the place. It's good stuff mate and I know exactly what you're saying regarding the black humour. It wasn't until I saw your comment that I looked on the title in a completely different light.

Again, thanks for reading and leaving a comment.
Regards

Jack

apple · 05-28-2008, 11:34 AM

MJack, this is well stated and well done piece. I love the title. And it is so true in more ways than one. Another wonderful piece.

apple

Ilasir Maroa · 05-28-2008, 02:03 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MisterJack

Nothing Is As Loud As An Exploding Child

Children toss coins into wellsnot a fan of this line
sand in their shoes
as the caterpillar tracks turn earth,
metal grinding past with prowess
while the linen wrapped fathers
tend to pails of water-
quench the thirst of misery.

Someone’s son throws blackjacks
among the scorpion nests;
counts the hours of hunger
and weighs his chains in plastic bags
gripped like legs of lambwhy this paticular simile?
through sun baked, fractured skin.

Tears of oil rape framework;
pillage windless streets
as robes become discarded,
replaced with straps of steel
where message men lose fingers
to teeth that bait the seeds.

Priceless marriage harvested,
reaped through black and green
where bullets burn the eyeballs
of boys who dream the free "free" what?
or flock to be their fathers;
imploded by indignity.

Marrow rots in sunlight
as sheets flap through the smoke;
these fallen men now lifeless
beside their looking glassesodd rhyme, which for me interrupts the rhythm
where once they wailed for mercy,
they now call pleas through greed.

Dust settles hard in soft places maybe one too many syllables?
and clogs the eyes of finance--
rips the spleens from heartless men
as spades churn sand for diesel;enjoy this reference, but why the "blood"
crafted barrels filled to burst
with the blood of one too many.

Now the boys dance blindfold;"blindfolded"? whic to me fits the rhythm more.
machines bake through the clay
as clockwork sticks cry freedom
they watch their fathers melt
and sting the green incursion
with flesh - their final word.

.

I got most of the points, and I sypmathize with the message, and even the images, but I'm not a fan of the execution. It isn't bad, but above average is the highest I feel comfortabe giving it. Tharrangement as well seems not to quite fit the subject, especially where the rhymes come very strong.

MisterJack · 05-30-2008, 01:55 PM

Apple: Thank you for the read and kind words. Glad you enjoyed the piece.

Ilasir: You're becoming very hard to please these days

. Thanks for pointing some suggestions, I've made a couple of slight changes, but don't think it will be enough to alter your general view of the piece.
Thank you for taking the time to read and leave a thorough critique though, always much appreciated.
As to the 'Blood' question, I thought that may be obvious, no?

Thanks again

Jack

Baron · 05-30-2008, 02:00 PM

Is it that Ilasir is becoming hard to please? I don't always agree with Ilasir but there are few who give better and less biased critiques.

Martin · 05-30-2008, 02:34 PM

I struggled through this in more than one meaning. First of all it took some re-reading and opening my dictionary a couple of times (not a crit, hehe). Secondly, it painted some dark pictures for me, using some clever imagery, but too much in-depth for my personal taste!
For me, I think words should be weighed, and in this case I really miss the lump of gold making this enlightning in a positive/constructive way. Because, why else would I want to spend the time with it? (hypothetical question)..

None the less, a heavy read Jack. Turned some feelings in me.

/m

MisterJack · 05-30-2008, 02:49 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Baron

Is it that Ilasir is becoming hard to please? I don't always agree with Ilasir but there are few who give better and less biased critiques.

I was being sarcastic, Baron. Hence the smilie. She has always been very thorough and very fair with her critiques.

Martin, thanks for reading and throwing your opinion into the mix. Much appreciated and I also appreciate that this is a heavy read, especially for one whos first language isn't english, so again, thank you my friend.

Kind regards

Jack