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| Poetry Poems, Haiku & Tanka etc. |
05-26-2008, 11:53 AM
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#1
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Wordsmith
Join Date: May 2007
Location: On course
Gender: Male
Posts: 6,987
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Juan-les-Pins
removed
Last edited by Baron : 06-17-2008 at 02:04 AM.
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05-26-2008, 12:16 PM
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#2
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Addict
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Seoul, South Korea
Gender: Male
Posts: 170
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Baron
____Disembark
____into deluge –
run through the rain –
not what I expected of Juan-les-Pins.
Images of Bardot and Picasso
____fade away
________in the light
____________of this new
____________wet reality. -- Something about this part seems off. I read omitting either wet or new and leaving reality alone on the last line and it seemed to flow better.
____Irony
not lost as I consider the plan –
to shoot in a studio set These two lines don't seem to flow as well as the rest in my head.
____of Juan-les-Pins.
St. Louis’s finest
____have all
____placed their hand
________in ceramics on sidewalks
____________of Juan-les-Pins - - I love this part, flows very strongly and the unintentional rhyme (atleast in my head) binds it well.
____I fear that erosion
might erase the fine print
____in shadows
____of storm clouds,
________leaving no hint -
I’m promised that summer
____will bring once again,
________the sounds
________of St. Louis
____________to Juan-les-Pins... - This whole last stanza is awesome, however compared to the soft rhymes I noticed before this one sticks out strongly in my mind. Kind of distracts me.
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All and all I really like this piece a lot. The few comments just kind of stand out to me as something that could be looked at. However, I might be searching for some critique. I just figure it's nice to hear how strangers judge the flow because it's hard ot judge it in your own work sometimes.
__________________
All of the worlds so lovely,
And everything so nice,
And everyones so happy,
Beneath the ink black sky.
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05-26-2008, 12:41 PM
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#3
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Profound Writer
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Oxford
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,349
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Very nice, Baron. A visual treat to the eyes and mind and a nice ditty.
I do agree with toccoto about the flow of S2 L1-2. I think if you want to keep 'Irony' on it's own line, maybe consider breaking L2 and having 'not lost' on it's own line also?
Personally I'd go 'Irony not lost' as the opening line but I think you want that 'Irony' solitary?
I have no problems with any of the rest flow-wise.
Hope this helps.
A good poem nonetheless.
Regards
Jack
__________________
If it claims to be God, eat it.
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05-26-2008, 04:02 PM
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#4
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Wordsmith
Join Date: May 2007
Location: On course
Gender: Male
Posts: 6,987
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thanks for your input, guys. I have broken that line as you suggested, Jack. Thanks.
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05-26-2008, 04:08 PM
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#5
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Prolific Writer
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Scotland
Gender: Male
Posts: 251
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Man, Bazza, this is more my ticket. Peter Sarsdet - or howevah ya spell it - nice one, baby! You found a chick?
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05-26-2008, 06:31 PM
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#6
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Ink Slinger
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: australia
Posts: 4,532
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Baron the S3 erosion/erase bugs me no end. Could it be that the source of the erosion should be named and then its act to erase? In other words, there is no thing as erosion except after its occured - if that makes sense.
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05-26-2008, 07:03 PM
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#7
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Wordsmith
Join Date: May 2007
Location: On course
Gender: Male
Posts: 6,987
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Amadeua, thanks for the comment. Glad you liked this one.
Dannyboy, I've adjusted that part, thanks for the suggestion.
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05-26-2008, 11:35 PM
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#8
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Ink Slinger
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: australia
Posts: 4,532
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yep that 's better. well done.
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05-27-2008, 11:45 AM
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#9
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Profound Writer
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Oxford
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,349
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Reads much more fluidly now, Baron. And, I like the change you made through dannyboys suggestion.
Good read.
Jack
__________________
If it claims to be God, eat it.
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05-28-2008, 04:56 AM
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#10
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Wordsmith
Join Date: May 2007
Location: On course
Gender: Male
Posts: 6,987
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Thanks again, dannyboy and Jack.
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05-28-2008, 07:19 PM
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#11
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Ink Slinger
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: England, the beautiful southwest.
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,299
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Another good one, Rob. Only problem or nit for me is the repetition of Jaun-les-Pins in the second stanza. It's as if you fainted! Only for that bit though  .
Really good and enjoyed. |
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05-29-2008, 11:43 AM
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#12
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Writing Machine
Join Date: Mar 2008
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,661
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I love this. *steals*
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05-29-2008, 07:18 PM
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#13
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Wordsmith
Join Date: May 2007
Location: On course
Gender: Male
Posts: 6,987
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Damien.
I love this. *steals*
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Glad you liked this one. |
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