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| Poetry Poems, Haiku & Tanka etc. |
05-26-2008, 07:41 AM
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#1
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Profound Writer
Join Date: Mar 2008
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,325
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You
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To forget one's purpose is the commonest form of stupidity. - Friedrich Nietzsche
Last edited by Damien. : 06-19-2008 at 03:34 PM.
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05-26-2008, 07:54 AM
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#2
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Profound Writer
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Oxford
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,349
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Good little poem.
Perhaps rather than 'rips me into' you could trim t 'rips me to a thousand shreds'. Just losing that 1 syllable would help the flow, IMO.
Also, 'feebly struggle' reads a little awkward and I think you could just say 'feel' as opposed to 'feeling' in L6.
Just a few suggestions but I liked it nonetheless.
Good read and thanks for sharing
Jack
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If it claims to be God, eat it.
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05-26-2008, 08:40 AM
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#3
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Wordsmith
Join Date: May 2007
Location: On course
Gender: Male
Posts: 6,925
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Another good short. It works for me. No crits.
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05-26-2008, 05:46 PM
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#4
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Prolific Writer
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: portland
Gender: Female
Posts: 443
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Your sardonic grin
and sideways glance
Rips me into a thousand shreds. (i think since there's two things being referred to here, 'rips' should be 'rip'?)
I feebly struggle (feebly is implied, you could cut it)
to restore my dignity
feeling sore and mundane
In your flashing presence.
in a piece so short, always make sure you have cut everything which is unnecessary. es muy importante.
also, i didn't know i made you feel this way damien.
jen
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05-27-2008, 08:26 AM
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#5
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Profound Writer
Join Date: Mar 2008
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,325
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.
__________________
To forget one's purpose is the commonest form of stupidity. - Friedrich Nietzsche
Last edited by Damien. : 06-19-2008 at 03:34 PM.
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05-27-2008, 02:12 PM
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#6
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Prolific Writer
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: portland
Gender: Female
Posts: 443
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as i thought.
as i thought.
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05-28-2008, 05:56 AM
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#7
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Scribe
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Dhanbad, Jharkhand, India
Posts: 57
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It reads so well--- nice little lyric.
R K
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R.K.Singh
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05-28-2008, 11:54 AM
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#8
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Prolific Writer
Join Date: May 2007
Location: California USA
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Very nice. I can see it all. I agree with Mr Jack and Jen. Just minor things. I enjoyed the read.
apple
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05-29-2008, 08:34 AM
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#9
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Prolific Writer
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Unsettled
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Posts: 309
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I like this as well. Especially how every line contributes generously, giving it a whole lot of "context".. and, it reads well.
/m
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05-29-2008, 08:41 AM
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#10
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Profound Writer
Join Date: Mar 2008
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,325
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.
__________________
To forget one's purpose is the commonest form of stupidity. - Friedrich Nietzsche
Last edited by Damien. : 06-19-2008 at 03:34 PM.
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