Empty Voices - Writers Forum

toccoto · 05-25-2008, 01:34 PM

I was reading about a sect of monks that give a vow of silence. It inspired this poem. Hope you enjoy. I know it pulls ideas form various religions, but it's not based on any religion. Just inspired by it.

Added an edited Version, the original is below.

Missing Voices

A lifetime of crutches can weaken a soul,
Yet change his reality, make him unknown.
A shroud over purpose and smoke hiding flame,
Perception is ripped to be randomly sewn.
The natural law of the Karma we gain,
To give is to take, And to take is the same.
I see only smiles, but past it? The truth.
This barter our apple from Heavenly throne.
I'm always regretful I chose not to use,
Those gifts that were given by nature refused,
My knowledge was taken as knowledge was honed,
These voices, in speaking, they left me alone.

We shaded the day to uncover the night,
Emotion was taken, as well as our sight.
Instead I am told whom it is I behold,
An address instead of a place to call home.
If silence could clear out this fog that I see,
Each time that a vessel is talking to me,
Then God, I will gladly atone.

______________________________

Empty Voices

A lifetime of crutches can weaken a soul,
Yet change his reality, make him unknown.
Like shroud over purpose and smoke hiding flame,
Perception is ripped and stitched out of order.

Like natural law or the Karma we gain,
To give is to take, And to take is the same.
I see only smiles, but past it? The truth.
This barter our apple, the treasure of Eden.

I'm always regretful I chose not to use,
Those gifts that were given by nature refused.
My knowledge was taken as knowledge was sought,
The voices, they left me with naught.

Like shading the day to uncover the night,
Emotion was taken, as well as our sight.
Instead I am told who it is I behold,
An address instead of a place to call home.
If silence could clear out this fog that I see,
Each time that a vessel is talking to me,
Then God, I will gladly atone.

Baron · 05-25-2008, 01:56 PM

The idea is expressed well in this one. Good work

Ilasir Maroa · 05-25-2008, 02:05 PM

The last lines of the first three stanzas seem off somehow, but am enjoying the rest.

toccoto · 05-25-2008, 02:15 PM

Baron - Thanks, there is a lot of ideas in there besides the obvious it also plays on the idea that newborns can tell the faces of even simple primates (monkeys) apart from one another. One theory of why this ability is lost is language made it obsolete, so the brain gets rid of it for other needs. (The whole giving up nature's gift in bargian for the gift of knowledge AKA a written language)

IM - Well I didn't want to really have a continuous rhyme. So they are kind of on their own. I tried to add an unstressed syllable at the end of the first two stanzas to 'hurry' the reader into the next part. However, then I added breaks to make it three verses... it may be better to get rid of the verses and just make it one. You think?

Thanks for the comments I'll be sure to return the favor to everyone here. Just not much of a poet so have a hard time critiquing!

toccoto · 05-26-2008, 01:11 AM

Revised it a bit, seems to flow better.

Missing Voices

A lifetime of crutches can weaken a soul,
Yet change his reality, make him unknown.
Like shroud over purpose and smoke hiding flame,
Perception is ripped to be randomly sewn.
Like natural law or the Karma we gain,
To give is to take, And to take is the same.
I see only smiles, but past it? The truth.
This barter our apple from Heavenly throne.
I'm always regretful I chose not to use,
Those gifts that were given by nature refused,
My knowledge was taken as knowledge was honed,
These voices, in speaking, they left me alone.

Like shading the day to uncover the night,
Emotion was taken, as well as our sight.
Instead I am told whom it is I behold,
An address instead of a place to call home.
If silence could clear out this fog that I see,
Each time that a vessel is talking to me,
Then God, I will gladly atone.

dannyboy · 05-26-2008, 08:04 AM

dislike the likes - strengthen the image so that the like is unnecessary, the need to use like often means the link between the two 'likes' is weak.

toccoto · 05-26-2008, 10:11 AM

DB - I agree, they are unnecessary and overused. Thanks for the input.

jellyfish · 05-26-2008, 01:36 PM

tocotto,

I really liked the flow of this. I find that pesky word 'like' in my work too often, as well. I didn't really notice it in yours until I read the crit. Should be fairly easy to fix, or leave alone. I wasn't bothered by it.