The Same As Me - Writers Forum

Deagon777 · 05-23-2008, 04:46 PM

{Author's Note: Heh, this isn't really my self-image, but...}

The piece of polished glass in my bathroom...
For the longest time I thought that I was
Seeing myself...

But then I realized, "How can it be me?"
That person is there when I'm here
And he seems dumb.

This mirror person is mocking me
The way he looks at me-
Just the way he looks!

I can't stand the thought that-
This- is the same person,
I won't believe it!

His actions are slower than mine
But I cannot prove it at all
He won't speak to me, but...

Once I fell down in front of the mirror
And he was there, standing up.

ms. vodka · 05-24-2008, 06:46 PM

nice twist.

i would make sure to cut each and every word which isn't absolutely necessary for you to say what you want to say.

that will tighten this piece and increase the overall tension.

but i think you have an excellent beginning for something really cool here.

jen

Deagon777 · 05-25-2008, 04:15 PM

Thanks, ms. vodka, but again I must stand by my word choice.

The person is unstable for obviously they did not see their reflection standing while they fell, but the narrator will stand by it for all they're worth, won't they?

I tried to pick words that would reflect more of an instability, hence unnecessary "that"s, "at"s, "and"s... etc.

But again, I thank you.

~777