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| Poetry Poems, Haiku & Tanka etc. |
05-23-2008, 01:25 AM
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#1
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Profound Writer
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Chicago
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,347
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Metamorphosis
Decided to take a break from the whole experimenting-with-imagery thing for a piece or two, and revert back to a favorite (of mine) style.
__________________________________________________ _____________
Add this to your collection…
Half-rabid and staggering out of the liquor store with glee,
The fangs wait in the alley way, with malicious intensity,
Mad swagger laughter captured in a capsule for posterity,
The poseurs await patiently for their turn in the queue,
And the penguins run the gauntlet in the papers and the pews,
Square one for later, alligator, and be thankful we don’t skew it,
Mafioso spiders weave webs and make offers, don’t refuse it.
The good shepherd deist loses his sheep for the weekend,
Only to find that they cannot appreciate their freedom,
So for the lions its open season,
Consumer culture heathens,
There’s no waking up from this dream,
Only the sweat and tears to bleed them.
Streets scenes gleam with obscene imagery,
Dogs continuing to hump their way out of obscurity,
Meanwhile, the cats howl their heat even though it’s winter,
Spring derides the cold and the smell of sex fills the air,
Sex sells for the hybrid, ape/vulture clothed in tuxes,
Muscles flex and the rest perplexed,
Such is the crux of the jungle,
Humble feet lightly appeal to the floor for mercy,
While silently rehearsing their curses for the worst,
Take a curtsy.
It’s a menagerie…
__________________
How can you expect a man who's warm to understand a man who's cold?
- Solzhenitsyn "Ivan Denisovich"
Last edited by Edgewise : 05-26-2008 at 11:08 PM.
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05-23-2008, 12:54 PM
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#2
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Wordsmith
Join Date: May 2007
Location: On course
Gender: Male
Posts: 6,911
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A good piece, Edge. Contrary to your opening statement I think that you've managed to achieve some imagery in this one. Perhaps the unconscious has a grip on it. I'll be looking at it again to see what nits I can pick.  |
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05-23-2008, 09:28 PM
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#3
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Prolific Writer
Join Date: Jan 2008
Gender: Female
Posts: 225
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Yes, I'm very confused because that was imagery, vivid and powerful. I think this is my favorite piece by you Edge. Wonderful!
__________________
Well, it was a nice check, Kitty, and really I might have won, if it hadn't been for that nasty Knight, that came wriggling down among my pieces. Kitty, dear, let's pretend -- -" And here I wish I could tell you half the things Alice used to say, beginning with her favorite phrase "Let's pretend."
written by Lewis Carroll
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05-25-2008, 01:36 AM
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#4
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Profound Writer
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Chicago
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,347
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Baron
A good piece, Edge. Contrary to your opening statement I think that you've managed to achieve some imagery in this one. Perhaps the unconscious has a grip on it. I'll be looking at it again to see what nits I can pick. |
Danke Sir Baron.
Quote:
Originally Posted by SadLuckDame
Yes, I'm very confused because that was imagery, vivid and powerful. I think this is my favorite piece by you Edge. Wonderful!
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Ta Ms. SadLuck.
__________________
How can you expect a man who's warm to understand a man who's cold?
- Solzhenitsyn "Ivan Denisovich"
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05-25-2008, 01:53 AM
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#5
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Prolific Writer
Join Date: May 2007
Location: California USA
Gender: Female
Posts: 435
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A very nice piece, Edgewise. Powerful and explicit. Good imagery but not over done.
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05-25-2008, 05:14 AM
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#6
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Profound Writer
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Oxford
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,349
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I don't think your work needs an abundance of imagery, Edgewise. The images you use in your pieces are often enough. Your use of language and phrasework are always admirable, which, to me, is what gives your work it's strength, its balls.
Again, great flow and another peice of yours that I enjoy reading over and again.
Regards
Jack
__________________
If it claims to be God, eat it.
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05-25-2008, 01:15 PM
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#7
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Ink Slinger
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: AmbientArtists
Gender: Private
Posts: 3,693
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I really enjoyed it, but there were some places where the rhythm lost me.
__________________
My hopeful book:
Crap! Haven't posted it anywhere yet, darn!
"Only tyranny cloaks itself in shadows. The light of justice can not be hidden."
www.theoddvillepress.com
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05-26-2008, 07:01 PM
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#8
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Profound Writer
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Chicago
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,347
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Quote:
Originally Posted by apple
A very nice piece, Edgewise. Powerful and explicit. Good imagery but not over done.
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Danke Apple.
Quote:
Originally Posted by MisterJack
I don't think your work needs an abundance of imagery, Edgewise. The images you use in your pieces are often enough. Your use of language and phrasework are always admirable, which, to me, is what gives your work it's strength, its balls.
Again, great flow and another peice of yours that I enjoy reading over and again.
Regards
Jack
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Thank you sir.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ilasir Maroa
I really enjoyed it, but there were some places where the rhythm lost me.
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It would help me if you would point out where the rhythm faltered. Thanks for reading Ilasir.
__________________
How can you expect a man who's warm to understand a man who's cold?
- Solzhenitsyn "Ivan Denisovich"
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05-26-2008, 10:29 PM
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#9
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Ink Slinger
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: AmbientArtists
Gender: Private
Posts: 3,693
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Edgewise
Decided to take a break from the whole experimenting-with-imagery thing for a piece or two, and revert back to a favorite (of mine) style.
__________________________________________________ _____________
Add this to your collection…
Half-rabid and staggering out of the liquor store with glee,
The fangs wait in the alley way, with malicious intensity,
Mad swagger badger laughter captured in a time capsule for posterity,line seems a bit long
The poseurs await patiently for their turn in the queue,
And the penguins run the gauntlet in the papers and the pews,
Square one for later, alligator, and be thankful we don’t skew it,
Mafioso spiders weave webs and make offers, don’t refuse it.
The good shepherd deist loses his sheep for the weekend,
Only to find that they cannot appreciate their freedom,
So for the lions its open season,
Consumer culture heathens,
There’s no waking up from this dream,
Only the sweat and tears to bleed them. these lines in particular lose me, though that may be my own version of the reading.
Streets scenes gleam with obscene imagery,
Dogs continuing to hump their way out of obscurity,
Meanwhile, the cats howl their heat even though it’s winter,
Spring derides the cold and the smell of sex fills the air,
Sex sells for the hybrid, ape/vulture clothed in tuxes,
Muscles flex and the rest perplexed,
Such is the crux of the jungle,
Humble feet lightly appeal to the floor for mercy,
While silently rehearsing their curses for the worst,
Take a curtsy.
It’s a menagerie…
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__________________
My hopeful book:
Crap! Haven't posted it anywhere yet, darn!
"Only tyranny cloaks itself in shadows. The light of justice can not be hidden."
www.theoddvillepress.com
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05-26-2008, 11:07 PM
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#10
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Profound Writer
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Chicago
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,347
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Ilasir, thank you for the promptness. I will edit the line which you found too long, but I am fine with leaving the rest as it is.
__________________
How can you expect a man who's warm to understand a man who's cold?
- Solzhenitsyn "Ivan Denisovich"
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