jellyfish

A Lover's Lie

My mind swims with thoughts of life
without the lead weight of dread encircling my heart,
without my pulse hammering in my head from fear.
Life without this lie that only I know.


My secret clings to me like a hungry child on
a mother’s breast.
A casual word dropped in innocence,
a quick look at a document,
and our love vanishes like
the last rays of sunlight on a cold November day.

My mind swims with the choice I must make.
Living with the uncertainty,
or releasing the truth.

My mind swims with the impossible choice between
anxiety and loneliness.

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jellyfish

just another day in paradise

Baron

I'm a little uncertain about your choice of line breaks but I enjoyed reading this one.

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jellyfish

Thanks, Baron. I am with you on the line breaks. I played around with them after the post. I'm more of a techie writer by trade, so I tend to want to emphasize my point and be efficient rather than artistic. My foray into poetry is my attempt to escape from some of that. I appreciate the feedback.

jel

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jellyfish

just another day in paradise

Baron

A good rule of thumb with enjambment is to read the poem aloud to yourself and put breaks to aid or replace punctuation in providing pauses and emphasis.

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Shawn

In total agreement with Baron on this.

The balance really has to be spread through the theme, the language, and the words... at least in my book. Writing a lot of poetry... and by a lot I mean by at least once a day and developing your voice, it will probably come naturally.

When you read aloud, it's like holding a poem in the palm of your hand, feeling if it's ready to throw at the audience.

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"Let me be mad! Chain me, ye furies, to your iron beds! And lash my guilty corpse, with whips of scorpion!"

- HWV 60

jellyfish

Thanks, Baron & Shawn, for the advice. I reworked it a little See what you think.

A Lover’s Lie
My mind swims with thoughts of life
without the lead weight of dread encircling my heart,
without my pulse hammering with fear.
Life without this lie that only I know.

My secret clings to me like a hungry child on
a mother’s breast.
An innocent word, a look at a document,
and our love vanishes like the last rays of sunlight
on a cold November day.

My mind swims with the choice I must make.
Living with uncertainty,
or releasing the truth.
My mind swims with the impossible choice
between anxiety and loneliness.

__________________
jellyfish

just another day in paradise

Mirror

Jellyfish-

I view the edited version as an improvement.

I do, however, have a few qualms.

Your second stanza strikes me as vivid, heartfelt.

My secret clings to me like a hungry child on
a mother’s breast.

or

and our love vanishes like the last rays of sunlight
on a cold November day.

Here, you have transformed intangible nouns into tangible sentiments through your similes and concrete images. I think the verb 'varnishes' is an excellent choice for the second example - to convey the frigidity, the superficiality of the experience and how it dissolves.

The rest of the poem, unfortunately, does little to impart anything. It strikes me as too literal, and it verges on angst. I would consider rewriting S1 and S3. Use details just as you did in S2. Show us the mind swimming with the choice etc...

Best,
Mirror

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Selected poetry by Ariana Rink and John Williamson:

http://www.lulu.com/content/2956099

jellyfish

Mirror,

Thanks for your response. Interesting...when I was writing this, I thought S2 was a little heavy handed. I'm completely in the experimental stage with poetry - writing it and reading it, so suggestions are welcome. Thanks again.

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jellyfish

just another day in paradise

Baron

I think that you would do well to follow the advice offered by Mirror. I like this poem, angsty or not, but that doesn't mean that it wouldn't benefit from a little more work.

Baron

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Just Jim

Hi Jel,

I like this. This second version flows better.

I'm not a poet, as you know, but I'll suggest a few things anyway.

on a mother's breast. I guess I'm old fashioned, but I'd move the word "on" to the same line. I think the rhythm is better, as well as the phrasing.


This seems too much like prose.

An innocent word, a piece of paper.
Our love vanishes like sun's last rays
on a cold November day.

S3 - My mind swims. I'd change this, so you start each stanza with "My" but only use it once in each. I'd just do:

mind swimming with impossible choice.

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http://jimsstories.wordpress.com/
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The Oddville Press
Accepting short stories, poetry, and art.

jellyfish

Hey Jim,

Nice to hear from you. I'm not sure I'm a poet, either. I've been playing around with it lately and am not quite sure how that happened. I figure it's worth exploring for a little while and see where it takes me.

I appreciate your comments. The last two lines of the last stanza could be moved to form their own stanza. The orderly side of me couldn't stand that as I would not have the same number of lines in each stanza. I'm gonna let this one sit a couple of weeks and then have another look at, keeping in mind all the comments.

What are you writing these days?

jel

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jellyfish

just another day in paradise