Muse of Meaning and Me - Writers Forum

Ghost.X · 05-20-2008, 05:58 AM

Vast, still void born to the new world,
Do you hear my heart beat so,
Where lies conceived from fiction furl
And give life anew, anon, fold.
Or does it echo, far and wide.
Who will listen, who will hide.
What do I know, how do I see
This world, this anything, void.

And here I thought I heard a whisper
Of a new kind of truth
That settles in my ear, forever
Then in my heart.

But did my heart know it’s nether,
The elements of my mind?
A glory glorified for me,
Of time given and taken.
Does anyone understand me
Anymore then I do now?
But did you know I was lying,
To see it another way?

Well all I see is the age of all
Who reckon their own truth
And left, the primordial lever
To all its heart.

Through a soul I saw a sorrow
Sold for no one but its own.
Selfish I thought, as was I.
I tended only my own.
Inevitable, the barring
Of me, from all, and all, me.
I thought why, for what, what effect?
To perceive my own ending.

So I guess this is all it is now
A truth no more than truth
That has to be accepted, never
For in my heart

Is my own

ms. vodka · 05-24-2008, 06:48 PM

i think if you could avoid asking straight out questions it would make this piece stronger. when you do that, you give too much to your reader all at once. using concrete imagery rather than making blunt statements allows your reader to join in the experience with you, rather than remaining on the outside.

i think it's a good start though.

jen

Ghost.X · 05-29-2008, 03:59 PM

Thanks jen, your quite right. Using questions is a bad habbit of mine that I should avoid unless I could learn to use it more effectively.

MisterSpider · 05-29-2008, 04:42 PM

This poem is not very good, I'm sorry. You need to deal with specifics and not these abstract, vague elements that are being talked around. What "new world"? What "new kind of truth"? What are you talking about? This poem offers no concrete details or examples and because of that, it's instantly forgettable and just like every other poem every other person spits out.

Also, the rhymes are rhetched. Don't use them so obviously.