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| Poetry Poems, Haiku & Tanka etc. |
05-17-2008, 08:43 PM
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#1
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Best Seller
Join Date: Feb 2008
Gender: Private
Posts: 535
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Neural Ink Flow
Neural Ink Flow
Atramental sight
Grayscale tracks of black and white
Tread across this life
Doppleganger pain in time
How color finds kinder mind
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take care, most of you
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05-17-2008, 09:04 PM
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#2
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Addict
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 137
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Hi Papertears,
Is this my first time to comment on your paper cuts? It's becoming jumbled in my neurons. Your short piece is profound like a squid's ink.
The only break i saw was your Doppleganger panting for a gerund in time.
Regardless, i understand the reference to the twin me. Thanks for your inky colors. Fits my mood today.
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05-18-2008, 02:07 PM
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#3
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Best Seller
Join Date: Feb 2008
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Quote:
Originally Posted by peterphreak
Hi Papertears,
Is this my first time to comment on your paper cuts? It's becoming jumbled in my neurons. Your short piece is profound like a squid's ink.
The only break i saw was your Doppleganger panting for a gerund in time.
Regardless, i understand the reference to the twin me. Thanks for your inky colors. Fits my mood today.
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Why thanks, PeterPhreak! This is the first time you've commented on my leaky pen. I'll be sure to look into this. I appreciate so much you stopping by and critiquing my "paper cuts."
~pt
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05-18-2008, 07:00 PM
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#4
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Wordsmith
Join Date: May 2007
Location: On course
Gender: Male
Posts: 6,850
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Quote:
Originally Posted by papertears
Neural Ink Flow
Atramental sight
Grayscale tracks of black and white I suggest replacing the of with a dash and moving black and white to their own line.
Tread across this life
Doppleganger pain in time
How color finds kinder mind
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05-19-2008, 03:03 PM
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#5
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Best Seller
Join Date: Feb 2008
Gender: Private
Posts: 535
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Quote:
Originally Posted by papertears
Neural Ink Flow
Atramental sight
Grayscale tracks of black and white I suggest replacing the of with a dash and moving black and white to their own line.
Tread across this life
Doppleganger pain in time
How color finds kinder mind
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Thanks for the crit Baron. I assume, from your suggestion, it didn't come across with this piece that I was trying to write a Tanka 5-7-5 7-7. *blush*
I'm new to the Tanka style, and wondering where I blew it. Any thoughts or pointers?
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05-19-2008, 03:49 PM
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#6
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Profound Writer
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Chicago
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,267
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I am not a stickler for form. I enjoyed reading this.
Guess-time: Something to do with photographs?
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05-19-2008, 03:52 PM
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#7
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Best Seller
Join Date: Feb 2008
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Edgewise
I am not a stickler for form. I enjoyed reading this.
Guess-time: Something to do with photographs?
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Thank you!
Photographs of the mind--memories.
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05-20-2008, 02:51 AM
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#8
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Mentor
Join Date: May 2007
Location: E. Sussex U.K.
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,410
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I liked the flow of
Atramental sight
Grayscale tracks of black and white
But I had to go and look up atramental (To do with ink in case any one else is as ignorant as I am) still I don't feel too bad about it, I had to go to the big dictionary and spell check does not recognise it.
Sorry I am gradually working through the alphabet of styles but have got nowhere near T yet and know nothing about Japanese verse styles.
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05-20-2008, 04:19 AM
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#9
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Best Seller
Join Date: Feb 2008
Gender: Private
Posts: 535
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Olly Buckle
I liked the flow of
Atramental sight
Grayscale tracks of black and white
But I had to go and look up atramental (To do with ink in case any one else is as ignorant as I am) still I don't feel too bad about it, I had to go to the big dictionary and spell check does not recognise it.
Sorry I am gradually working through the alphabet of styles but have got nowhere near T yet and know nothing about Japanese verse styles.
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Thanks Olly, you are not the first to comment on my use of that word. I picked it up from some author. I have 4 dictionaries and it is only in the heaviest one--it is not in my thesaurus either. Perhaps it is just not used often.
No problem about the Tanka, I'm a beginner, I just didn't go alphabetically. Again, I appreciate your advice in the PM!
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05-20-2008, 07:55 AM
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#10
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Wordsmith
Join Date: May 2007
Location: On course
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I read this as rhyme rather than tanka and I'd say that it works on both counts. My first impression is what meade me suggest the break and I still think that it works simply as a poem.
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05-21-2008, 12:05 AM
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#11
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Best Seller
Join Date: Feb 2008
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Baron
I read this as rhyme rather than tanka and I'd say that it works on both counts. My first impression is what meade me suggest the break and I still think that it works simply as a poem.
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Thanks. I understand.
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05-22-2008, 06:37 AM
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#12
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Scribe
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 51
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Beautiful, PT. Haunting.
Thanks for sharing.
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05-22-2008, 10:38 AM
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#13
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Mentor
Join Date: May 2007
Location: E. Sussex U.K.
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Posts: 1,410
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I have a little pocket dictionary for everyday words and then I have the Oxford dictionary compact edition. It's the full 18 volume Oxford dictionary photographed, reduced in size and printed four pages to a sheet on bible paper so they get it all in two volumes, comes with a magnifying glass, bit hard to use but I haven't had a word that beats it yet (not a challenge)
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05-22-2008, 12:05 PM
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#14
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Writing Machine
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Atlanta, GA
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,996
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i don't see any problem with the length of the second line...i enjoyed the simplicity of this one, it has a good flow.
stephen
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