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damien, don't be afraid of comments. you obviously have a lot of potential.
what you have going on in the first stanza is a little too 'telly', which means simply that you are telling us what is going on rather than showing us and letting us develop your message on our own from your imagery.
starting in stanza two, you do just that... the imagery you use speaks to us in regard to the message you are trying to send without handing it to us directly.
i think you could build these images more strongly if you were to include the use of full sentences, rather than just descriptive words, which jerk your reader around. i think that would be fine for a specific part of the poem, such as to illustrate gunshot feel or something of that nature... but i don't advise using it to carry your entire piece.
i would drop the rambo line and use the scared at twenty four as the title for the piece.
you have natural ability and talent!
i look forward to reading more.
jen
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