peterphreak

Modified 20:01 PST, Month of May


Beauty is sterling
while nodding otters pan fool's gold
This Eureka was counterfeit's wreck
when moldering coffins creaked

And whiplash cracked profit
And lawsuits framed what's cast
How exultant - religion of traffic
Rubbernecking cash

How Jaguars and Beetles jumbled
twisting before Monterey
while rush of hours grumbled breaks
What's betwixt rage is graze

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5r7r8r6 6r6r7r5 6r6r8r6 (Emily's meter scheme)
5r8r8r6 6r6r8r5 7r6r8r7 (Charlatan's change)


Beauty is sterling
while nodding otters pan fool's gold
This Eureka was counterfeit's wreck
when moldering coffins creaked

And whiplash cracked profit
And lawsuits framed what's cast
How exultant - religion of traffic
Rubbernecking cash

How Jaguars and Bugs jumbled
twisted what's been apart
while rush of hours grumbled bled
What's betwixt assails depart

ShabookiSkittles

Good word usage. I really liked the line "while nodding otters pan fool's gold" I thought the second stanza seemed most powerful though probably only because it had the best usage of rhyme. My only crit would be that the last line feels a bit off or even forced. Though take it as you will. Great poem.

peterphreak

Dear ShabookiSkittles,

Thanks for your read. I'm glad your liked the second line. Yes, that was my favorite, too, though i don't know who thunk it. Thanks for your crimp and crit cuz the bleeding piece needed to be forced off my shoulder stat. Still born i take this fender bender as you will. Gham-sam-nih-dah.

ms. vodka

peterphreak i like your poem. it makes me work and makes me think and the way you put language together is refreshing and exciting.

a bit abstract for my tastes, but something keeps making me read you.

and i like it when people experiment.

can i just ask straight out... why the numbers at the beginning?

__________________


my finger's on the trigger and my eyes are on the prize

peterphreak

Hi Ms. Vodka,

Thank you for your read. Yes, i'm quite infuriatingly obfuscating. Forgive me for speaking in tongues. Just that when i write: "I drove home. I saw a shrine to a car crash. And thought, Glad it wasn't me", sounds so mean. The numbers were Emily's way of keeping myself from being too garrulous. I'll keep experimenting to entertain your absolute mind. I'll peruse my graveyard and try to resurrect one piece possibly more accessible. Gham-sam-nih-dah.

Surly Peter