Summer Poem - Writers Forum

Flon · 05-14-2008, 08:32 PM

Let's lie down like we do,
you can get all tangled up in the bedsheets like you do,
we could wake up to the smell of summer
and get all drunken and mad
off of the sweet summer air,
we could stumble down your steps
out over your lawn where it flurries scarlet snow
to the hedgerow where the convicts reside
in sad shackles they turn their heads to smile,
we could take a back road to the city
stay out all night
and glow like angels in the neon lights,
we could skip stones across the ocean
and throw the colors of the sun over the eastern coast,
and then we'd kiss the buildings goodbye,
spill paint on the concrete and take the highway home.

SadLuckDame · 05-15-2008, 04:16 PM

It captured my attention with great humorous, colorful, fun lines throughout. I'm a bit thrown off by it being centered, makes it tougher to read I guess and the seasonal change threw me for a loop, is it snow or a scarlet flower tossed about like snow? A quirky bit of a romp, enjoyable.

Quote:

out over your lawn where it flurries scarlet snow
to the hedgerow where the convicts reside
in sad shackles they turn their heads to smile,
we could take a back road to the city
stay out all night
and glow like angels in the neon lights,

Convicts smile with shackles and glow neon angels very nice stuff.

peterphreak · 05-16-2008, 05:57 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Flon

Let's lie down like we do,..................................(mein Gott, one sentence?
you can get all tangled up in the bedsheets like you do. ( period?
We could wake up to the smell of summer
and get all drunken and mad
off of the sweet summer air,
we could stumble down your steps. .......................( Takes me back to collegiate daze

Out over your lawn where it flurries scarlet snow ..........( New stanza?
to the hedgerow where the convicts reside...................( convicts evince recylced icicles on hedgerow / great! / found a new word
in sad shackles they turn their heady smiles.
We could take the back roads to the city..........................( We could?
to stay out all night
and glow like angels in the neon lights.
We could skip stones across the ocean
and throw colors of sunsets over the Western coast .............( Beautifully true in sincerity
and then we'd kiss the buildings goodbye.........................( Ironic recall of the city of angels
while spilled paints on the concretes take the wainscot home. ............( Denouement ... very sorry for the change, but it's your piece
.................................................. .............................................( after All

Thanks Flon. I'm waiting for your next evolution. Sorry for the grammatical changes by my read and for my few small nips. I'm OCD. I hope i have not changed your sentiment with my scrawl. Apologies for my axiomatic periods and erasure of commas. Plz keep your formatting. I found it sublimely centering.

ShabookiSkittles · 05-16-2008, 08:31 AM

I really liked how this flowed. I thought this piece showed it real power once it got to "stay out all night". I really enjoyed the center alignment for some reason as well. Very Gouda.

Damien. · 05-16-2008, 12:43 PM

I like the neon lights part and how hedgerow rhymes with snow. Pretty. It feels full of energy to me.