Little Mama - Writers Forum

SadLuckDame · 05-11-2008, 02:43 AM

White blank blur oh! silent snow.
Pondered feelings of young mama;
she sat still, weeping quiet--
infant cradled in soft embrace.
Loneliness a sheer misery,
yet warm ball of cuddle;
reaches fists high, mouth wide stretched
belting a cry of hunger, release.
Who noticed this goings on?

Lightly her long, frail lady fingers
skim slow over baby's faded brow.
Grasped breast; tawny broken nipple
directed effortlessly.
Suckle soothes and mellows;
a calm effect, cries now a sigh.
Chubby cheeks; pinkened from exhortation,
infant blinks up at gentle Mama.
Subdued sing song on cool night air.
Goings on in one-room apartment.

Contemplation beyond her years.

Baron · 05-11-2008, 09:30 AM

My first impression of this is that the language use is a little harsh for the subject. I think that this could be greatly improved if a softer counterpoint is introduced.

SadLuckDame · 05-12-2008, 07:14 AM

I have to disagree, it's about a young Mom so picture like Juno for instance. Maybe it will come across harsher to some but it shouldn't be harsh to all because it's a reality many younger Moms would go through. Love but fear or unsure and scared, lonely yet doing it all the same out of instinct, care for their child. I think it's beautiful without the 'normal' softness, yet it is still soft in it's own way. Anyway, I was a teen Mom and so this came from my heart and was understandable to me.

Baron · 05-12-2008, 08:39 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SadLuckDame

I have to disagree, it's about a young Mom so picture like Juno for instance. Maybe it will come across harsher to some but it shouldn't be harsh to all because it's a reality many younger Moms would go through. Love but fear or unsure and scared, lonely yet doing it all the same out of instinct, care for their child. I think it's beautiful without the 'normal' softness, yet it is still soft in it's own way. Anyway, I was a teen Mom and so this came from my heart and was understandable to me.

I have only voiced an opinion. You're free to accept or reject that. As a reader, I have the words on the page to communicate to me, I'm not privy to the thoughts behind them except as far as they are expressed in those words. This is not a theme that I'm unfamiliar with, nor the associated problems. My youngest daughter was a teenage mother.

CMM_Kaleido · 05-12-2008, 04:10 PM

I remember those early weeks (at least the first six) with my first son. You have captured the tension between loving that baby and being at a total loss. In the first few lines I saw those moments when baby can't or won't latch to nurse. Baby is inconsolable, mama (especially a new one) is distraught and doesn't know what to do--then in S2 baby finally latches successfully and all is right with the world.

I am stretching your meaning--your mama and baby do not have the above problem, but that is what mama "weeping quiet" made me think of.

'Loneliness a sheer misery.' While I don't know about being a single mom, I can imagine from those moments when my husband simply could not help me figure things out--as much as from the moments when I was so glad he was their to relieve me--what it might have been like all alone.

Piece works well as a snapshot of a moment in time that is so much more important than it seems on the surface.

Thank you.

SadLuckDame · 05-13-2008, 01:21 PM

Baron I'm sorry it didn't work for you and came across to harsh. I do know what will work for some won't work for all and I can accept that. Many thanks CMM, I did want to paint that type of picture for breast feeding Moms, new Moms, single, a large audience and I wanted it to be blunt on the scene it was yet open to include most mothers in some way, relateable.

The words were to say no matter the circumstances, nor mother's thoughts, the nurturing loving instinct of a mother is there, does take over above all else. To me that was the beauty I tried to write.

ms. vodka · 05-14-2008, 03:59 PM

beautiful piece.

i think you could cut the last line though.

jen

safara duff · 05-15-2008, 02:40 AM

Well i think to avoid this kind of comments, before you create your essays or poems you have to take consider of your audiences or targeted readers. If you don't target a specific audience make sure you're going to use simple words. Words that can be easily understand. Actually this is also for your own sake. If you want your work appreciated by everyone. You have to be sensitive in choosing words.

SadLuckDame · 05-15-2008, 03:38 PM

Much appreciation Ms. Vodka. Always exciting to hear you comment my poetry, I look highly to your opinion and your poetry speaks volumes to real women, you are amazing to me.

Instead of cutting it I reworded it for now, but I'll continue to think on whether or not I could drop it, and feel like I still caught the emotion I wanted to. I may drop the last line in s2, and add the one line from s3 there instead, since s2 last line could be alienating.

Thank you Safara. Wise words and very true. I'm finding out that, it just crept in a bit slower to my awareness I suppose. And I really am ok with knowing what works for one person may not for another now. Baron's opinion means much to me since I look up to him, his poetry and wisdom. I know he can't enjoy everything I write, nor I his, or anyone else's. But that's a good thing too.