papertears

Dancing With an Albatross (original draft)

I've got no paltry monkey on my back,
just this anathema albatross I salvaged,
his thin jinxed wings ended up fractured beyond remedy.
It seems he flew into one too many golden steeples today.

He may be marring up my knock-off Prada blouse,
still I prefer the companionship of this broken, symbolic beast.

As we set out I realize we falter crudely--
the bird and I. Pay us little mind,
if we disturb your pristine glass world.
I have a mind to return soon to mop up the blood.

However, by twelve toilsome miles though,
I'm a true eyesore-a real freak show,
to the plastic faced masses that stare as I hobble by.

Abruptly our struggle mounts unfavorable--
the beautiful bird with bloodstained wings is dying.
My muscles crying out in agony I stumble with his weight.
My body shudders, laden with distress within.
Silence is screaming to the beat of my unsteady heart.
Its like the last sordid dance at a macabre soiree.

Just then, a wicked voice drips heavy through my spirit:
"That soon to be corpse you haul,
can't just be another skeleton in your closet."
My feet, as heavy as my heart, seem phantom.
I don't feel like dancing anymore.

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revision in progress ...

I've got no paltry monkey on my back,
just this anathema albatross I salvaged.

Thin jinxed wings fractured beyond remedy,
seems one too many golden steeples,
took toll on this magnificent myopic creature.

Maybe he's marring up my fake Prada blouse,
still this broken, symbolic beast soothes.

As we set out, how we falter crudely--
the bird and I.

Heed not, if we disturb your pristine glass world.
I have mind to return soon to mop up the blood.

By twelve toilsome miles,
I'm a true eyesore--a real freak show,
plastic faced masses gaze as I limp along.

Abruptly, the trek turns untoward
my battered bird wails out dying.
Stumbling, I'm crying in agony.

>(marker to continue revisions here)
My body shudders, laden with distress within.
Silence is screaming to the beat of my unsteady heart.
Its like the last sordid dance at a macabre soiree.

Just then, a wicked voice drips heavy through my spirit:
"That soon to be corpse you haul,
can't just be another skeleton in your closet."
My feet, as heavy as my heart, seem phantom.
I don't feel like dancing anymore.

CMM_Kaleido

There is strong emotion and storytelling in this piece. I was moved by the speaker's plight and found the images unique. However, the rhythm runs into trouble with the longer lines. I would suggest removing some minor words that are unnecessary. Playing around with a few more line breaks might also keep the read moving.

I have used S1 and 4 for illustration purposes:

I've got no paltry monkey on my back,
just this anathema albatross I salvaged,
his thin jinxed wings ended up fractured beyond remedy.
It seems he flew into one too many golden steeples today.

However, by twelve toilsome miles though,
I'm a true eyesore--a real freak show,
to the plastic faced masses that stare as I hobble by.

The bold words are really not necessary to the meaning or the tone.

I'd give an illustration of line breaks, but that would be inserting my voice, which as a rule prefers a shorter line. I appreciate the distinct voice here--just think it could be strengthened with some attention to the flow. Read the piece out loud and look for the places you find you want to pause or stop for emphasis (either for the word you have just read or the one that is about to be spoken) and insert a line break (or punctuation) there.

I am interested to see what other comments you get on this piece.

papertears

Thanks Kaleido, this is exactly the problem I have when I read it aloud too. The lines are too long and the rhythm ends up feeling forced and just plain horrid. However I didn't want to scrap it yet.

I appreciate the suggestions! I have been revising and staring at it for so long I didn't know where to begin.

edit: Another concern I have here is length--its my longest piece so far. I have revised it down as short as I feel I can go without losing the story. However, I am not sure how to know when a piece is too long.

~pt

MisterJack

I like the revision much much better. I'll come back to see when you complete it. The 'symbolic' could go, sure. Problemis, I feel it leands itself to the content. Perhaps restructure that part a little to allow for it?
As for your question on length, well, as long as the message is concise, length isn't really an issue. I've written many epic pieces before, so....

Good work and it's so good to see people edit their work. CMM is a great person to listen to.


Kind regards, look forward to more


Jack

__________________
If it claims to be God, eat it.

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papertears

Much appreciation!

__________________

CMM_Kaleido

I like where this is going. I have some comments for the revisions:

I've got no paltry monkey on my back,
just this anathema albatross I salvaged.

Thin jinxed wings fractured beyond remedy,
seems one too many golden steeples,
took toll on this magnificent myopic creature.I think I preferred the more flippant tone of the original line here, 'seems he flew into one too many golden steeples today.'
Maybe he's marring up my fake Prada blouse,
still this broken, symbolic beast soothes.
I would suggest 'Maybe he's marred my' to make the verb more active and make it parallel with 'soothes.' (Also 'up' isn't really necessary.)

As we set out, how we falter crudely--
the bird and I.

Heed not, if we disturb your pristine glass world.
I have mind to return soon to mop up the blood. This line causes some stumbling upon reading.
By twelve toilsome miles,
I'm a true eyesore--a real freak show,
plastic faced masses gaze as I limp along.

Abruptly the trek (turns untoward)-- ("turns untoward" too tongue twister? sounds bad...will fix)
my battered bird wails out dying.
Stumbling, I'm crying in agony.
I like 'trek' and I like the alliteration of 'trek turns.' I don't really have a problem with 'trek turns untoward' either. I kind of like it. Maybe a comma after 'abruptly,' (I believe it's acceptable as an introductory word.) would help give the reader a beat to prepare for the three 't's so they don't run together too fast.

>(marker to continue revisions here)
My body shudders, laden with distress within. I'm iffy about whether you need this. It's hampering the rhythm a bit.
Silence is screaming to the beat of my unsteady heart. How about 'screams.' Scream is the verb let it do all the work. 'Is' just makes it passive.
It's like the last sordid dance at a macabre soiree. Punctuation for 'it is.'

Just then, a wicked voice drips heavy through my spirit:
"That soon to be corpse you haul, No punctuation here. 'That' sets up an essential clause.
can't just be another skeleton in your closet."
My feet, as heavy as my heart, seem phantom.
I don't feel like dancing anymore.

At first I wasn't sure about the two-line stanzas, but I like them now. Hope you keep at this one. I'll check back.