Hidden

Travelling by Sat-nav
(no landmarks recognised
or remembered for the next time)
across the contours of one another’s bodies
they move
on to their destinations.

Baron

This is too jerky. Play around a little with the line breaks to make the rhythm fit the point.

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Pete_C

Like salad cream, I don't like it, but some without taste might.

By way of an explanation, offered because some might prefer to misinterpret the point; salad cream is the substance I picked because it's popular with the masses, but it lacks something genuine, something real. It tastes of little that we associate with real food, unless - of course - we are satisfied by the mass-produced artificial taste.

This poem, style-wise, will be popular with those who like short sharp pieces that make them think they are thinking about something. It will please them because it's not too taxing. For those who like their poetry with more realism, it lacks that genuine element.

Foxee

Okay, let's try this again without the flaming. Keep your comments restricted to constructive criticism of the poem and things will go much better.

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Mermaid on the breakwater

Ok foxee but you removed my comment about the poem along with the other trash .


Hidden - good short with potential. Try tidying up the fourth line and cutting a few baggy words.

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Foxee

I apologize, Mermaid, sometimes I'm just not meticulous enough.

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If the staff were bent on policing your thoughts there would be nothing but a smoking hole where the debate forum used to be.